


Lux in Obscuro

by Blueez



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-24 20:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 37,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20020306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueez/pseuds/Blueez
Summary: Junmyeon fell into despair after an accident which left him blind. The optimistic Yixing gets hired to assist him during the summer. Will Yixing help Junmyeon realize that life amid darkness is still worthwhile?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Original publishing date: December 11, 2016 to February 11, 2017**
> 
> Okay, so this a very old fic of mine that had been put private on AFF. This summer I got the time to fully edit and revision it, while doing this I couldn't help thinking of how different I would have written this story had I done it today. There are a lot of flaws and it lacks in some parts, e.g. the POV is quite a mess because this was written before I finally decided to settle to focus on one character during 3rd POV. Still, it felt nostalgic and I didn't change anything drastically. And being the third fic I've ever written, it's definitely better than the first two lol. However, I most certainly missed some parts so it's not a perfect edit --''
> 
> Anyways, I'm not a fan of tagging everything in a story. So, side characters/pairings, trigger warnings and such are not listed. Read with precaution, I guess.

**Encounter**

“Are you sure you still want to do this?” spoke a voice echoing from the headset.

Yixing laughed. “Han, I’m almost there. I can’t back out now, can I?”

The man on the receiver sighed. “I know, but I can’t help being worried. It’s the first time you’ll take care of someone who tried to, you know, and what if-”

“Don’t say it. I’ll be fine. Promise,” Yixing said.

“Okay…just remember to call me every now and then. Good luck.”

“Thanks, and bye Han.”

Once the call with his brother ended, Yixing could finally see the house from afar. He had driven to the deeps of a deciduous forest, almost three kilometers away from the small town. While driving, he had gone through a canopy of trees: oaks, abedules, elms, and ashes. As Yixing approached the end of the road, a clearing surrounded the white two-story house and a blue lake gleamed behind the house. The scenery was tremendously peaceful and enchanting.

Yixing parked the car in the parking area. And when he got off his vehicle he could feel the enchantment. The humid air and the refreshing summer breeze felt soothing against his skin. The scent of the grass and trees smelled wonderful. Instead of hearing the maddening afternoon traffic, it was the trees moving in the wind and the chirping of birds that perceived through his ears. Detaching himself from his trance Yixing went to take out his suitcase. He had just closed the trunk when a woman voice talked.

“Hello, Mr. Lu! Welcome,” she greeted him.

Yixing turned around and held out his hand. “Hi, Mrs. Kim! And please just call me Yixing.”

“Oh, you are so young,” Ms. Kim said once she shook hands with Yixing and saw his frame clearly.

“Yes, but don’t worry. It’s my fourth year working as a substitute caregiver.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t help but worry about my son and the upcoming months.”

“I can assure I am very well prepared Mrs. Kim. I have taken notes on exactly everything you said, ranging from which temperature he likes his bath water to which candy bars I should buy in the grocery store.” Yixing reassured the concerned woman and smiled.

She looked at him a bit relieved by his word. Subsequently, they proceeded to walk inside the large house.

From the moment Yixing walked inside his temporary home, he noted that a clean and pristine interior design reigned the entire place. His shoes were stored in one of the large shoe storage cabinets. Next to the front door laid a closet Mrs. Kim said was used to putting in coats, jackets, umbrellas, etc. The same minimalism and lack of clutter could be seen in the kitchen, in the dinner area, the living room, the bathrooms. There were scarcely any pictures hanged on the walls. There were no unnecessary decors on the furniture. No rugs covered the dark wooden or tiled floors. It was the same upstairs, where his room was located. Yixing left his suitcase next to his bed and proceed to walk down with Mrs. Kim to meet Junmyeon, the person he would be accompanying for the next months.

They strolled past the living room to the porch. The porch faced the lake and where the wooden floor ended a stone tile path lead to the dock in the water. Two men were sitting on patio recliners next to each other barely talking.

As the woman was about to speak, they heard car honks. One of the men, Mrs. Kim husband, got up. “And that’s our cue to go,” he said. The man hugged and said goodbye to his son, then walked towards the two standing beside the glass doors.

Yixing introduced himself and wished the man to have a nice trip.

The woman approached her son and said that Yixing, the caregiver, had arrived and was acquainted with everything he needed to know. She hugged Junmyeon and told him goodbye. Before following her husband, Mrs. Kim held Yixing’s hands and whispered to him, “Please take good care of Junmyeon.”

Yixing nodded and reassured the mother one more time that it was going to be alright.

After the couple left Yixing finally strode to face the young man.

Junmyeon had chestnut hair, short bangs that fell down his forehead, soft facial features, a slim body structure, a scar on each of his wrists and he was wearing dark shades that concealed his eyes.

“Hi, Junmyeon! I’m Lu Yixing. It’s so nice to meet you! Don’t worry about anything. We’ll have a great time together,” Yixing chirpily rambled as he stood in front of Junmyeon and held out his hand. “I’m holding out my hand towards you,” he said.

Junmyeon didn’t react to that. Instead, he sighed and scoffed, “Please refrain from calling me that and cut the act. You are being paid to help me and do the house chores, not to pretend to be my friend. I don't want your forced friendliness, Mr. Lu.”

“I think the polite thing to do is not to let anyone hang in the air when they greet you, Mr. Kim,” Yixing replied as he grabbed Junmyeon's hand and shook it. “And, it’s rude to accuse someone you barely know of lying. At least get to know me before judging my character.”

“Still, I don’t need your pity.”

“The only ones I feel pity for are the defenseless children and animals in this gruesome world, and if I see correctly, you’re neither one of them.”

Junmyeon didn’t say anything.

“I’ll start unpacking then. Please shout if you need anything,” Yixing informed and then walked to his room.

While storing his clothes and personal belongings, Yixing thought about Junmyeon’s apprehensive behavior. Even if he had just uttered a few sentences, it was clear that the man was going to be quite difficult to deal with. Yet he hoped naively that one day Junmyeon would drop his defensive attitude and they could get acquainted, maybe not become best friends, but enough to be on a first-name basis. Junmyeon was undoubtedly different from everyone he had helped before.

Hours later, night had fallen, and Yixing had just finished preparing their dinner. He walked over to Junmyeon’s room on the first floor and asked him to come to eat. They sat in front of each other. Yixing served himself and then began eating.

“Aren't you going to serve my food?” Junmyeon asked impatiently after waiting for quite some time.

“Why should I? You have two perfectly working arms, Mr. Kim.”

“My mother always serves my plate.”

“Well, I’m not your mother. And I believe you can do it yourself. Just grab a serving utensil, and I'll tell you what it is you’re pouring and where.”

Besides cutting the food into smaller pieces, one of Mrs. Kim requests had been to serve Junmyeon a regular portion. However, Yixing was of the belief that this kind of trivial doing was necessary for the detachment of the dependence on the caregiver. He was here to help Junmyeon with essential activities the man couldn’t perform – cooking for example- serving food he could still do (unless it was something dangerous such as warm liquids).

“I might spill,” Junmyeon said.

“Then I'll clean it up later.”

In the end, Junmyeon sighed but served himself nonetheless. He spilled some rice while he was serving. Whether Junmyeon did it on purpose or not, Yixing didn’t care as long as he actually did the task.

* * *

A few days passed since Yixing’s arrival. And the most he had gotten out of Junmyeon were trivial comments such as ‘charge my phone,’ ‘you put too much salt on the stew,’ ‘don’t sweeten my tea too much.’ Besides those interactions, they barely spoke. Well, Yixing had asked questions occasionally, but Junmyeon never answered.

Yixing had also noted how Junmyeon spent his days, and that the lack of clutter around the house was mainly so Junmyeon could roam freely since he didn’t use a walking stick. But to put it simply Junmyeon’s routine consisted of doing almost nothing. Sometimes he sat in front of the porch and listened to the water movements, or he asked Yixing to search after his favorite music or audiobooks. Sometimes Junmyeon laid in bed, and it was unknown if he was napping or just lying there lifelessly. On rare occasions, he sat with Yixing in the living room and listened to the TV. He also didn’t leave the house, not even when Yixing asked him to accompany him to the grocery store or to a walk around town. Junmyeon wore the same kind of outfit every day: a white t-shirt with khaki shorts. And he never once took off his dark shades. Indeed, Junmyeon had reduced his own existence to nothing. It hurt Yixing to see him like that. Someone had once taught him that despite being blind, there were still so many things one could do. Yixing wished he could help Junmyeon realize that. On the bright side, ever since the first day, Junmyeon continued to serve his own food (the ones he could).

However, something interesting happened today. Apparently being away from Yixing had made his dog, the playful labrador retriever Trost, miserably. Eventually, the whines and barks, were too much for Han to bear in the peace of his home. Yixing had expected it, but because Han had insisted he could take care of him, he let it. Still, five days had been more than what Yixing had bet with himself.

Yixing was greeted with happy cries and licks from Trost. He thanked his brother for driving Trost here along with the dog’s stuff. And then he waved Han goodbye, reassuring once again that everything was going fine.

When Han had left, Yixing and Trost walked towards the porch. Luckily, Trost was well trained and he didn’t worry much about the dog making a mess. Yixing hoped that the presence of the playful dog would brighten even a tiny bit of Junmyeon’s dark demeanor. Nobody could resist the charms of dogs (unless they hated them of course).

“Let's see if you can break Junmyeon's barriers, Trost,” Yixing said to the dog.

When they arrived, Yixing stayed quiet and let Trost walk to Junmyeon, who as usual was sitting in the recliner. The dog placed his head on Junmyeon’s lap and barked happily. Junmyeon got startled but didn’t say anything to the dog.

“What is that animal doing here?” Junmyeon asked.

“He's my dog, Mr. Kim. He missed me, so my brother brought him here.”

“Take it away from me,” Junmyeon ordered.

Yixing sighed and called after the dog. He squatted down and patted the Labrador on the head, mumbling, “Good try Trost.”

Seeing that the dog hadn’t made Junmyeon the slightest happy, Yixing thought that it was time for his plan B. He was going to take a different approach than asking questions and waiting for answers. He took a seat next to Junmyeon and spoke.

“My name is Yixing. I was born in South Korea, but my parents are from China. I do know how to speak Chinese though.”

No reaction.

“I'm twenty-two years old, but not for long because I’ll be turning twenty-three on October seventh.”

“I have a brother. His name is Han, and he is such a prankster.”

“I used to be afraid of the darkness. For a long time, I couldn’t sleep unless my lights were on.”

Yixing had a self-dialogue.

“My hair is jet black. I have dark brown eyes, and I'm taller than you by a slight difference.”

“I love eating braised pork rice. In case you haven’t tried it yet, you totally should!”

“My first kiss happened when I was twenty. Can you believe it?”

Yet Yixing didn’t give up.

“Sometimes when I wake up in the morning my hair is super curly. It looks kinda funny. Haha.”

“One of my biggest fears is to see the people I love suffering what I have suffered.”

“You should listen to SHINee. They have good songs. ‘Tell me what to do’ has been on repeat for me since it came out.”

Silence.

“Next semester I'm studying to get my bachelor’s degree in Psychology.”

“This place is so tranquil. I wonder if that’s why your parents chose to live here.”

“I also like listening to English pop music.”

Still nothing.

“My favorite color is purple.”

“I’m a lightweight drinker. So, if you ever see me drunk, I’ll probably be doing something idiotic or embarrassing.”

“I like to dance but-”

“Will you shut your mouth if I speak?” Junmyeon asked irritated.

Yixing smiled in victory.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hopelessness**

Growing up, Jumyeon had one passion. When he was five years old, his father took him to the lake so he could learn how to swim. Once the little boy touched the water, he knew he would never get tired of that sensation, the warm water gliding over him, the splashes against his face, the freedom felt every time he floated around.

As a family of three, living in the countryside a couple of kilometers from the main town, growing up was also lonely in the woods. Unlike his school friends, Junmyeon couldn’t walk next door to play with them. But the boring days during the summer turned into something beneficial because he literally lived in the water. Seeing that their child had come to love swimming, Junmyeon’s parents eventually signed him up for the local swimming club. 

Swimming became an essential part of Junmyeon’s life. Waking up at dawn, he found himself at the swimming pool before school even began. There was a hunger for improvement and a need to break his own records. His arduous training and diligence paid off in the end because Junmyeon won almost every competition. The shelves in his room had glistened with golden and silver trophies and medals. Many praises and words of recognition for his fantastic swimming skills were uttered. Ultimately, Junmyeon decided to pursue the one dream he had had as a child that first time he saw the sparkling medal resting on the winner’s neck. He wanted to win one race in the Olympics, leave a footprint in the world. It was a highly ambitious dream, a road paved with even more diligence, discipline, and effort. Yet Junmyeon was certain he was going to fully commit himself to pursue it. This determination what convinced Junmyeon’s parents to let him move to Seoul with his uncles at the age of fifteen because there he could have the best trainers to guide and tutor him during his journey. When the applications for university began Junmyeon wasn’t certain of what he wanted to study – swimming was his only dream. But he opted to choose a career in the least problematic subjects he had. Despite studying his sole focus was on training and swimming.

At twenty-two-years-old, he finally got one step closer to his dream. In November that year, he participated in the 400-meters freestyle race, the official competition held by the Korean Sport & Olympic Committee. Not only did he win the contest, but his time was below the minimal time criteria for the qualifying standards of the Summer Olympics next year. Junmyeon was going to participate in the Summer Olympics. Those were the best news of his life. Happiness hadn’t been enough wort to describe what he felt, no words could. Ever since that day, Junmyeon had dreamed of the upcoming race and woke up with a smile plastered on his face. And of course, he trained, even more, even harder than what he had done in his life. There were just roughly eight months left until July and he had squeezed every day to the fullest.

However, the happy days had been counted. Not even a month after qualifying, it happened. The horrible, tragic, yet simple accident that cost him his vision, that destroyed his life.

That day had just been another day of practice. Everything had gone smoothly and he was just taking a shower. Junmyeon didn’t see the little soap bar hidden on the ceramic floor. He didn’t know that just moments after closing his eyes, humming to a song, feeling the water falling onto his body, he would slip and fall, hitting his head in the ceramic tiles. He didn’t know that because if Junmyeon had known, then he would have never gone to practice that day. Then for the first time in his life, he would have taken a day off. But no matter how much he wished to change the outcome, it was too late.

Someone had found Junmyeon unconscious on the floor and with blood running down his head. He was taken to the hospital. The doctors classified his injury as severe head trauma. He had been unconscious for a long time, and with every head injury, it was unpredictable to know what kind of damage it had caused to his body.

A few days later, Junmyeon woke up, freaking out the moment he opened his eyes. He couldn’t see anything. The doctors examined him and after a long waiting came to a conclusion. They explained that his bump on the head combined with the time he had been unconscious, injured both sides of his occipital lobe, the visual processing center. Unfortunately, it left Junmyeon suffering bilateral cortical blindness with no light perception. Easily explained, Junmyeon’s eyes were fine but it was his brain that couldn’t process the signals his eyes received, therefore he saw nothing. Contrary to the belief that being blind meant you lived in “darkness” people with no light perception saw the world as if one tried to see behind their back without moving their head. It was difficult to describe something you didn’t see and that sensation had had Junmyeon scared. However, patients with cortical blindness usually regained some of their vision back, and would often be left with cortical vision impairment, meaning that he would see again but with complications. A permanent total loss of sight was extremely rare for someone with cortical blindness. In a matter of days or weeks, his sight would gradually restore. Despite the initial fear, these words had soothed Junmyeon.

Yet sometimes life is tremendously unpredictable and unfair. Two months later, in February, there were still no signs of Junmyeon’s recovery save for the fact he had regained his light perception. At least now he could perceive the presence of light so he could distinguish when it was light or dark. But what did it help if he still couldn’t see anything? And there was nothing the doctors could do to help him except to wait and see what happened, they had said.

During these months Junmyeon couldn’t adjust to a life without sight. Every day he had woken up with the hope of seeing the world once again. That day never had come, and it made him frustrated, helpless and anxious. Being blind was devastating for him, a radical change in Junmyeon’s life that made him feel a prisoner in his own body.

His mother had come to help him during this time. Junmyeon appreciated the care but it overwhelmed him to know he depended on her to do everything. At the same time, he didn’t feel motivated to do anything because he couldn’t do any of the menial things taken for granted when he had his vision. He couldn’t cook, he couldn’t eat nor shower without making a mess, he couldn’t walk in the streets, he couldn’t read, he couldn’t brush his teeth or hair, he couldn’t choose what clothes to wear, but worst of all, Junmyeon couldn’t swim. He should have been training for the upcoming Olympics, the race took place in a matter of months. In the world of swimming, each day he didn’t train, his progress and abilities decreased. The sport wasn’t forgiving, it didn’t wait.

It wasn’t until something was gone that you reconsider its true value. Junmyeon had never thought before that everything he did was possible because of his vision. And it was in this moment of utter desolation and grief that Junmyeon wished to do anything to get his sight back. In a way, he also regretted every minute he had consciously closed his eyes before. When he had lost a race for the first time; when his grandmother had died; when he saw his first love kissing another guy. Because seeing these tragic happenings were much better than seeing nothing at all. Living this way was suffocating Junmyeon slowly, and there were days in which he didn’t even get up from the bed. Suddenly the old energetic, optimistic and ambitious Junmyeon was dead. He was just a devoid existence.

To add to Junmyeon’s dismay, the doctors told him he should be preparing for the worst. It was most likely that Junmyeon will be suffering total bilateral cortical blindness, which meant he will perhaps be blind for the rest of his life. As if that wasn’t enough, his swimming coach came to deliver some delicate news. Because of Junmyeon’s uncertain medical condition, the Korean Sport & Olympic Committee had decided to give his spot to a new swimmer for the race. That was all it took to fully crumble Junmyeon’s world. All his efforts had been in vain, thrown in the trash as an insignificant piece of paper. His dream would forever be just that, a dream. He had nothing left and he was so useless. That night Junmyeon cried himself to sleep, but amid tears and sobs, he realized that he could put an end to everything with one simple action.

One day Junmyeon’s mother went to the grocery store. After hearing his mother locking the front door, Junmyeon went to the bathroom. He searched after a razor and filled the bathtub with mild water. It took time to accomplish everything, but it was recomforting to feel the water surrounding his body once he got in the tub. For a brief moment, he laid there reminiscing the good old times from his life and telling himself that the misery would end shortly. He grabbed the razor and made a vertical cut on each wrist. He was sure the incisions hadn’t been straight, but couldn’t care about it now. A warm liquid began dripping down his forearms. He rested his arms on the border of the tub, closed his eyes and waited.

When Mrs. Kim returned she hadn’t seen Junmyeon sitting in the living room waiting for her, but she noted the bathroom door was locked. However, after several minutes she realized Junmyeon still didn’t come out. She got worried, Junmyeon didn’t take that long time in there. Futilely, Mrs. Kim knocked and shouted for Junmyeon to open the door. To no avail, she kept knocking, the rhythm in harmony with her heartbeats. Eventually, she left the apartment, rang the neighbor’s door and pleaded them to please help her. A young man followed her inside the apartment. He hit the bathroom door, but after no luck, he began kicking it forcefully until it finally opened. She ran into the bathroom and saw a bathtub filled with smudge red water along with a Junmyeon so devoid of color and life. Mrs. Kim screamed.  
  


* * *

“The next thing I know, I wake up in the hospital again,” Junmyeon said. “Once my cuts healed, the doctors told my parents to hospitalize me. I was kept in for some months. When my treatment there ended, I moved back here with my parents.”

Yixing had carefully listened to Junmyeon’s story. He had seen the sparkle in Junmyeon’s face as he had talked about being a swimmer with fondness and passion. It was clear that the dream had been precious to him. The silent tears Yixing had shed, and the sympathy he felt for Junmyeon were mostly because Junmyeon had lost that chance more than because he was blind. Junmyeon deserved his dream to come true, and Yixing grieved it was unfair that now it wouldn’t.

“So when my parents told me they were going to ditch their long-awaited vacation across Europe… I had to interfere. Just because I stopped living didn’t mean they should do the same,” Junmyeon continued and paused for a moment. His gaze was on the lake just like it had been there all the time. “After much conviction, saying how I’ve been staying with them for a month and nothing has happened, I managed to convince them to go. I was doing fine and I just needed extra help.”

It was honorable to hear Junmyeon thinking about everyone else. At the same time, Yixing was sad because although Junmyeon cared about others’ happiness, he didn’t seem to try finding his own once again.

“Do you feel okay?” Yixing asked.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be fine, not like this.”

Yixing was debating with himself whether to talk or not. Junmyeon was getting professional help from a therapist that called him once a week. He knew he shouldn’t be butting in or getting too involved with Junmyeon, but there was something about Junmyeon that just pushed him to help. Maybe because somehow Junmyeon reminded him of himself at some point in life. In the end, Yixing decided to go with his guts. “There are still many things you can do. Your life is not over Ju-Mr. Kim.”

Junmyeon huffed, “Yes, it is because I can’t fucking see.”

“But you still have your arms and legs. You can still hear and talk, feel and think. There are some that can’t even experience that.”

“So what? What good is that if I can’t walk in the streets without risking my life? If I can’t ever swim again. If I must depend on somebody else all my life. If I can’t talk to people and see them in their eyes. If I can never see my myself, my parents or anyone ever again. Tell me, what good is that if I can’t even pour water in a fucking cup!?” Junmyeon ranted.

“There’s still hope. There are many service providing agencies for the blind. They’ll help you learn how to walk, cook, and do so much else. You’d be able to adjust yourself to this new life. It has helped many, perhaps you should give it a shot,” Yixing tried to make Junmyeon see that the practical part of life could be mendable. As to the other part, he still thought about what to say.

“For what purpose? My life without swimming is nothing.”

“Life is cruel and will always crush some of our dreams, but we’ll always find new ones to hold on to.”

Once again Junmyeon huffed. “And what exactly would those for someone like me?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t say. That’s something only you’ll find out,” Yixing lamented, but he knew Junmyeon would find a new meaning in his life eventually.

“I have nothing. I’m useless and once my parents die, I’m probably going to be left alone and blind for the rest of my life. Why can’t you see that?”

“That-that’s not true. I already told you, being blind doesn’t make you useless. And one day you’ll meet someone who will love you, and they’ll stay with you.”

“Oh sure, who would want to be together with a burden? Are they going to love and stay with the blind man out of pity?”

“There is a real love for all of us. The person who loves you will see past your disability,” Yixing half lied because he didn’t quite believe that for himself. He was certain nobody would love him.

“That’s all rubbish. But even if there was, what could I give them? Like I can’t even have sex.”

“Who says you can’t?”

“Have you ever tried doing it with a blind man?”

“No, but nothing is stopping you. Unless, well, you have some dysfunction or something…”

“I don’t, but can’t you just hear how stupid the idea is? We’re fucking and I’m trying to ravish your mouth but end up making out with your nose or eye or chin. Oh, and that’s probably one of the many things I’d miss to aim.”

“It shouldn’t matter. If they love you, they’ll understand.”

“Are you always like this? Do you always see the good side in everything because nothing bad ever happened in your life?”

“I-I…” Yixing stuttered. Even if Junmyeon had shared his past, Yixing wasn’t sure he wanted to do the same.

“Here’s the thing, if you are not in my position, then you have no word in this. Honestly, a deep part of me still thinks I should have died that day. It would have spared me all the upcoming misery.”

“Don’t say that. And sometimes…it’s better not to see the cruel world you are trapped in.”

“Says the one with the perfect vision. When you lose an arm, a leg, your hearing, or something, come and find me. Then we’ll talk about what's worse, and perhaps I listen to more of your ‘keep fighting, keep living’ shit,” Junmyeon said and stood up. “I hope my sob story pleased you, and you can keep your mouth shut from now on,” he said before walking inside the house.

Yixing saw Junmyeon disappear into the hallway towards his room. He turned around to see the lake and the setting sun. He dropped his hand and started caressing Trost, who had come and laid beside him since Junmyeon began talking.

“We’re gonna help him realize it, Trost,” Yixing said.


	3. Chapter 3

**The start**

Life moved on as usual for Junmyeon and Yixing after their talk. Junmyeon did his typical routine while Yixing stayed in the background aiding him. That didn’t mean Yixing wasn’t thinking about how to help Junmyeon. On the contrary, thanks to his experience working as a caregiver, Yixing had come up with many useful things. He hoped it would make Junmyeon find a new perspective. However, he needed Junmyeon’s cooperation and interest, which was probably the toughest part. Despite the odds, he implemented the plan anyway.

One morning Junmyeon took a seat at the dinner table to eat breakfast. He waited for Yixing to pour the boiling tea water.

“Mr. Kim, I’m placing the teapot to your right.”

Junmyeon sighed. “Now what? Do you want me to overspill and burn myself?”

“No! The mug is unique,” Yixing said. “It has three water sensors for three different levels. A speaker on the bottom emits a bell sound once the liquid reaches a certain threshold. Try it! And I’m here in case something happens,” he encouraged. Junmyeon had been angry about the fact he couldn’t pour his own water, blaming his blindness for making him idle. Maybe if he managed to do this simple task, then it would be a step for him to realize he wasn’t useless. Yixing waited expectantly for Junmyeon’s reaction.

Junmyeon was stoic. He didn’t move nor said anything. Junmyeon suspected Yixing was doing this due to their conversation the other day. It was beyond his reason why Yixing was so eager to help him. “Why did you get me this?” he asked.

“It’s practical… Please, just try it,” Yixing subtly pleaded.

Again, Junmyeon sighed. He was just going to pour warm water into a cup. Even if he managed to do it by himself from now on, it wouldn’t change the fact he was blind. It felt futile, but Junmyeon knew that Yixing was persistent. Yixing would probably ask him to try another time. ‘I better get this over with now,’ Junmyeon thought.

Just when Yixing supposed Junmyeon hadn’t liked the idea and reached to grab the teapot, Junmyeon’s hand moved to grip the handle. Yixing smiled. “The cup is right next to the teapot,” he said.

Surely the task wasn’t difficult, but it was frightening. Junmyeon clutched the handle tighter. A fearful thought appeared. The cup might not work and then boiling water would spill and burn him, however, Yixing had said he would help him. Even if Junmyeon wasn’t fond of Yixing, he believed Yixing didn’t plan on harming him. He took in a breath and lifted the teapot.

“Move your hand a bit to your right,” Yixing instructed, and Junmyeon obeyed. “Okay, there! Now tilt it carefully.”

Junmyeon did as told. He could hear the water pouring down in the mug. A chiming sound resonated from the cup.

“That was the first level, you have just filled a third of the cup. You can keep pouring until your desired amount,” Yixing said.

Junmyeon continued pouring until he reached the last chiming sound. He placed the teapot back on the table.

Just like that, the task was over. Yixing beamed and felt a glimmer of hope that Junmyeon would do everything else he had thought of. And Junmyeon kept gripping the handle, thinking about how he had just done of the actions, he assumed he could never do by himself again, as simple as it was.

“The teabags are to your right, and the sugar is in the center,” Yixing said. And so, they continued eating breakfast in silence.

Yixing gradually introduced to Junmyeon small artifacts like the Bell Mug. They were convenient and gave a blind person a bit of their independence back. When he gave him the See with Fingertips Plate, then Junmyeon could eat without spilling or Yixing’s instructions. It was a dish customized for the blind because of its five compartments. One of them held a soup cup that Junmyeon could pick up without feeling the heat. The other four sections had small walls on their outer parts, which made it easier for Junmyeon to scoop the food with his spoon. And since the tray underneath the plate made it rotate, Junmyeon spun the plate to determine the food’s position. The first time Junmyeon used it, he half-smiled because he ate without problems. Yixing was glad to see Junmyeon’s subtle smile, and he hoped Junmyeon didn’t feel incapable of doing basic tasks anymore. However, this change also meant that Yixing didn't talk much now because he stopped giving Junmyeon instructions and Junmyeon was reluctant to speak with him. Nonetheless, Yixing continued with the rest of his strategy.

The following items Yixing brought were things like a watch with two tangible nubs that worked as a minute and hour hands. Feeling the nubs helped Junmyeon to read the time. He didn’t need to ask Yixing what time it was anymore, and he frequently wore the watch since then. The charging adaptor for the blind was also helpful. Now Junmyeon didn’t have difficulties plugging the charger into the electrical outlet.

An object that Junmyeon used with more curiosity was the talking color detector, a device that sensed color and through a speaker announced the color of almost every surface. When Yixing had told Junmyeon the color detector was practical for doing laundry, Junmyeon had teasingly asked him: ‘Is this your way getting rid of your house chores?’. It was the first time Junmyeon had said something other than complaints or hopeless remarks. And Junmyeon had used his voice with a playful tone that Yixing hoped to hear more in the future. Junmyeon tried the device immediately on his own clothes, which as usual were the white shirt and light brown khakis. Then he tried it on Yixing’s clothes, his bedsheets, his dark shades, the furniture and so on. Yixing felt relief that Junmyeon did something else in his room, rather than lying on the bed lifelessly (at least during that day).

On another occasion, Yixing gave Junmyeon an object that hopefully would keep him more distracted than just one day. “Mr. Kim, I have something for you,” he said as he stood under the door frame to Junmyeon’s room.

Junmyeon didn’t say anything. Yixing still approached the bed and placed a heavy item that sank in the bed.

“It’s a typewriter. I know you talk to a therapist, but writing down your feelings or thoughts is also an effective form of therapy,” Yixing said and explained further, “I understand there are some things you cannot tell people, even your shrink… So, I thought this could help you out. Putting our emotions into words can make our pain, anger or anxiety less intense,” he said. What Yixing had just described was partly true, writing did help people to cope with difficulties. However, he wasn’t sure if the effect would be the same if the person were blind. Still, he believed it would at least distract Junmyeon.

“Ok, but how the hell am I going to write and read what I write?”

Yixing had anticipated that response. “Well, the keyboard has a special feature. You see, if you put your fingers on a key, you feel the letter because it is in relief. Here give me your hand.”

Reluctantly, Junmyeon lifted his hand. Yixing’s hand touched his and placed it on the typewriter. With his index fingers, Junmyeon could sense and distinguished the letter K.

“About reading it, well I have this Voice Stick,” Yixing said, “You plug in your headphones and place the stick horizontally on the text. A voice reads it out loud. But the voice can be-”

“Why are you doing this?” Junmyeon interrupted Yixing and withdrew his hand from the keyboard.

“As I said, it’s a form of therapy.”

“No. Why have you done everything so far? The mug, the plate, the watch. You must be stupid to think that knowing which color the bathroom rug is would make me less miserable about being blind.”

“I don’t. But it can be helpful.”

“Well, you better stop. Doing that won’t change anything,” Junmyeon said. He laid back on the bed and moved to his side, facing away from Yixing and the typewriter.

Yixing stood up with the machine on his arms. “I’m placing this on your desk, along with some paper, in case you change your mind.”

Even if Junmyeon had requested it, Yixing wasn’t going to stop.

* * *

Slowly changing different artifacts and utensils around the house wasn’t enough. Almost three weeks had passed since Yixing’s arrival, and Junmyeon’s demeanor had not changed. He was still sad and unwilling to see past his disability even if he did minor things alone now. Junmyeon was also reluctant to go to town or leave the house for that matter. Yixing only had five weeks left until his return to university. The slow progress was excruciating, and he hoped Junmyeon could soon dare to do different things. However, seeing Junmyeon's reluctance forced Yixing to be the one who acted instead.

Consequently, Yixing went further one day and possibly behaved in a way many would call disrespectful. That morning he prepared lunch for the two and stored it in containers. He packed the boxes in his backpack along with a pair of Junmyeon’s sneakers and a blanket. Then he went to the porch. As usual, Junmyeon was sitting and listening to an audiobook.

“I think… We should go for a walk,” Yixing said hopefully.

“No,” was Junmyeon’s immediate response. Of course, Junmyeon would say that, but Yixing wasn’t giving up.

“Why not? It’s a beautiful day, and you could use a change of scenery.”

Junmyeon laughed. “Why do I need a change of scenery if I can’t see anything?”

“You can still hear and feel things. It should do the trick.”

“Look, I don’t care that I can smell the grass or listen to bird chirps. It’s all meaningless if I can’t see them,” Junmyeon argued.

“You are not giving it a chance. Don’t shut yourself when there’s this whole world outside-”

Junmyeon groaned and said, “Stop annoying me! Go back to prepare lunch or something.”

Yixing didn’t listen. Apparently, Junmyeon disliked the idea of leaving home, and his words were enough proof that Yixing shouldn’t be doing what he was about to do. Nonetheless, Yixing went for it. “I’m sorry for doing this,” he said.

Before Junmyeon could ask why Yixing apologized, he felt arms underneath his knees and upper back. “What the fuck are you doing?!” Junmyeon asked astonished. Suddenly Yixing picked him up bridal style. “Put me down!” he protested.

But Yixing still didn’t listen, and instead, he walked towards the woods. Trost followed behind them.

Junmyeon was not content. He complained and told Yixing he would be fired if he didn’t stop. When the threats didn’t work, he began lightly hitting Yixing on the back and moving his legs furiously.

“If you keep doing that we’re both going to fall,” Yixing said. Junmyeon stopped. Yixing continued walking and holding Junmyeon for a few minutes until he was content with their location. Carefully he placed Junmyeon on the ground. He opened his backpack and took out Junmyeon’s shoes. “I’m putting your sneakers in front of your feet,” he said.

Junmyeon seemed angry. Despite wearing his shades, it was evident that his brows frowned while his lips were narrowed. He tapped the ground until he reached his shoes and put them on, then he stood up and ordered, “Take me back home. Now.”

Yixing and Trost stood a few steps in front of Junmyeon. “But we’re already here, we can just as well go for a walk.”

“What part of ‘take me home’ didn’t you understand?”

“It’s just walking, what are you afraid of? I’ll be with you all the time…” Yixing said. What Yixing was doing wasn’t right, he knew it. He was breaking codes from his job and Junmyeon’s mother’s request. However, he had an idea as to what this trip would lead to and he wanted to risk everything, even if it meant getting fired. “Or you can go home without me if you want.”

Junmyeon sighed in frustration. He wanted to go home, where he knew exactly how to walk and what to look out for. This terrain was unknown and different. His feet didn’t dare to move, afraid that his next step would make him fall, or crash into a tree or something else. He was frightened of being away from the comforting familiarity the house gave him. He cursed Yixing for disrupting his peace. In the end, Junmyeon sat down and waited. Yixing wouldn’t get his way. “I’m not moving until we go,” he said. At some point, Yixing had to give up and take him home.

Yixing saw Junmyeon sitting on the ground, and sat down as well, next to Trost. Only one of the two was stubbornly enough to wait forever.

Time passed and Junmyeon felt on his watch that it had been almost one hour since they sat there. Yixing was just as tenacious as he was. Junmyeon sighed. This whole time he thought of how to go back on his own, but his fear wouldn’t let him, it mocked him and made him realize the only way out was to depend on Yixing. Junmyeon couldn’t even understand Yixing’s intentions to this whole nonsense. Despite it hurt his pride, and the fact he hated being guided by someone else, he compelled. His necessity to return was greater than a pointless walk with the other. The faster they got through with it, the sooner he would be back in the house. Junmyeon stood up and asked, “Where are you?”

Yixing, who had his head on his knees, looked up. Junmyeon was standing with outstretched hands. It gave him hope that Junmyeon wasn’t nagging about going home. He strode closer. “I’m right here, in front of you…what is it?”

“Let’s go for that stupid hike.”

A wide grin formed on Yixing’s lips. He moved to Junmyeon’s left side and said, “I’m standing to your left and holding my arm to you.”

Junmyeon grabbed Yixing’s arm.

“Okay… Let’s go,” Yixing said.

Walking with Yixing was entirely different for Junmyeon. One of the main reasons he was unwilling to walk with a guide was because they directed him uncarefully or too harshly. He didn’t like it when his mother dragged him, neither when his father let him be the one in charge (as if Junmyeon could see) and only told him which way to go. No, Yixing was _walking_ with Junmyeon. They strode at the same pace and Yixing said in advance when they would be turning to the left or the right or going up or down. Yixing also warned him in detail about upcoming obstacles, and he waited for Junmyeon to take his time crossing them. Walking with Yixing was different. Oddly it gave Junmyeon a sense of safety that no other person guiding him had before.

Yixing had also been right. Earlier when Junmyeon had been sulking, he couldn’t sense the nature surrounding him. As they walked, he was surprised with the many scents he smelled, some were refreshing, pleasant and familiar. He could also hear their feet pounding on the ground, the trees moving with the wind, the birds singing. It was all... Soothing. After a while, Junmyeon heard water running. Suddenly he had an idea of where he was. “There’s a water stream near us, right?” Junmyeon asked.

“Yeah, just a few steps ahead of us.”

“I’ve been here before.”

“As a kid?”

“Hmm. When I wasn’t swimming, I used to explore these tracts a lot. If you follow the stream down, you’ll end up in the lake. Walking to the east leads to the house.”

Yixing, impressed with Junmyeon’s detailed memory, asked, “What’s on the other side of the stream?”

“If I remember correctly, a short distance away there is a small clearing with a lot of wood anemones.”

“That sounds like a pleasant place to eat.”

Once they reached the stream, Junmyeon and Yixing took off their shoes. The instant Junmyeon's feet touched the water, he reminisced many things. It was strange, nostalgic and saddening. Somehow though, having company made it tolerable.

Junmyeon had been correct, they found a clearing on the other side. Yixing took out the blanket and the food from his backpack. They sat down and began eating lunch their sandwiches and fruits, with beverages. Yixing also gave Trost some treats.

“I’m sorry for earlier,” Yixing apologized as he ate. He knew what he had done was wrong. However, he hoped Junmyeon would at least get the gist of it, that he could trust Yixing as a walking partner. One of his theories as to why Junmyeon was reluctant to go out, had been that he didn’t like being dragged by others. It was a valid reason. Not everyone was good at walking with a blind person. Their unwariness or rapid movements could always aggravate the blind one.

Junmyeon had already eaten his snack and was (unexpectedly) caressing Trost, who had come and laid his head on Junmyeon’s lap. “Well you did actually not follow my orders,” he said as he scratched Trost’s ears.

“I know it was… Inconsiderate.”

“Highly. But as far as I hate admitting this, you were right.”

“Huh?”

“About feeling and sensing I guess,” Junmyeon said. “I might not see the images, but because I have known this place for quite a long time, I could picture it with a smell, a sound or touch. Memory never dies apparently.”

Yixing smiled. “I’m glad about that, but I’m still very sorry.”

Junmyeon didn’t say anything, he kept scratching the dog’s ears. When Yixing finished his lunch and tidied up their belongings, he finally said the words Junmyeon had wished for earlier.

“Let’s go home.”

“I hope you remember the way back,” Junmyeon said as they began walking.

“Don’t worry, we have Google maps!”

Junmyeon sighed and murmured, “There is no signal here you idiot.”

Even if Yixing heard the insult, he didn’t say anything. It was justified, and Junmyeon’s voice had been teasing not hurtful.

Fortunately, they managed to get back home safe and sound, following the right path. Junmyeon hadn’t said a thing, but Yixing still needed to ask about it, in case Junmyeon had been serious. “Mr. Kim, should I start packing my stuff?” he asked nervously.

Junmyeon stopped short from walking inside his room and didn’t turn around when he said, “No. At least not for now… But if you carry me again I’m kicking your ass out immediately.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Drunk talk**

Had something changed after Yixing’s rebellious behavior the other day? Not much. Yixing had asked Junmyeon if he wanted to go for another walk around the woods, but of course, he got rejected. This time, though, Yixing listened to Junmyeon’s words.

On the other hand, Junmyeon had seemed to grow fonder of Trost. The dog would sometimes sit beside Junmyeon on the porch, and he would caress and play with Trost, using a playful voice Yixing had never heard before. Junmyeon had even offered to help Yixing bathe Trost the other day. Junmyeon’s and the dog’s interactions brought some relief to Yixing.

In the last days of June, Junmyeon had an appointment for a brain scan at the hospital. His doctors back in Seoul wanted to follow up on his brain status to see if there were any changes for the better or worse. But instead of driving to Seoul for hours every time, Junmyeon’s hospital file had been transferred to the hospital in his current town.

Yixing stopped the car stopped in the hospital’s parking lot. Junmyeon waited for Yixing to open the door and then got out of the car with Yixing’s help. They walked together towards the entrance. From afar Yixing saw a nurse waiting for them, standing behind a wheelchair.

“Hello, Mr. Kim!” The nurse greeted Junmyeon when they arrived. She saw Yixing and held out her hand.

After some introductions, Yixing said, “The wheelchair is in front of you.”

“It’s fine, I’m walking with you today,” Junmyeon replied.

The nurse looked surprised but didn’t comment on it, while Yixing stared at Junmyeon and smiled. “Okay, let’s go.”

Junmyeon’s mother had said it was routine for Junmyeon to let the nurses drive him around on the wheelchair. It was convenient and it took less time, plus Junmyeon felt more comfortable sitting than letting someone walk him. So, Yixing was glad to know he was an exception, and that maybe the day in the woods hadn’t been all terrible.

Three days later, when the results from the scan had been seen by the doctors, they returned to the hospital. Yixing patiently waited outside while Junmyeon talked to them. When the appointment ended Junmyeon looked stoic as usual.

“It’s already the afternoon, do you wanna grab something to eat?” Yixing asked Junmyeon, as they walked together in the hospital’s hallways.

“Sure.”

“Here or somewhere else?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Junmyeon answered.

For convenience, Yixing took them to the hospital’s cafeteria. Since they weren’t at home, he had to guide Junmyeon to serve his food like before.

“I don’t wanna pry but… What did they say?” Yixing asked as he ate his soup.

Junmyeon sighed. “Ah, the usual. I’m blind, and I’ll possibly be it forever. Honestly, I don’t know why I even bother coming here anymore.”

As cheesy as it sounds, Yixing wanted to tell him ‘don’t lose hope, life is unexpected,’ but he knew it wouldn’t help at all. Sometimes it was better to be quiet, so he just hummed in accordance.

Later that day, after dinner and preparing Junmyeon’s bath, Yixing took his usual night walk along with Trost. He liked being close to nature. It was a pleasant change from the usual car honks and noise from living in his tiny apartment in Seoul. The water movements, the rustling of trees, and the bright moon in the night sky, it was the most pleasant.

“So, you keep getting closer and closer to Junmyeon, huh Trost?” Yixing asked as they walked back.

The dog barked making Yixing chuckle.

“Maybe one day you’ll make him laugh, a real laugh,” Yixing. said. “I wonder what that would sound like,” he said, staring into the sky.

When Yixing returned to the house, he saw a figure sitting on the dock. Trost ran towards the figure waggling his tail. As Yixing approached the dock, he saw Junmyeon, who was caressing Trost with one hand, and with the other one, he was holding a bottle. “Mr. Kim, what are you doing here?” Yixing asked and looked at the other bottles that were surrounding Junmyeon. He thought Junmyeon would be sleeping by now, not drinking in the dock.

“Heeeeeey Yixing! Enough with formalities, call me Junmyeon or Jun, Junie or whatever,” Junmyeon said and took a sip. “Want a drink?” he asked holding the bottle outwards.

Yixing looked at him worriedly. It was odd for Junmyeon to be drinking. It had never happened before. And even the way he talked was unusual, but then again Junmyeon was drunk. “No thanks, I’m a lightweight drinker, remember?” he said.

“Oh yeah, right, right. Then take a seat,” Junmyeon said and repeatedly tapped the spot next to him. “Let’s have a talk.”

Unsure, Yixing sat next to him. “Where did you get the bottles from?”

“I’ve always known where my father keeps the booze. I don’t usually drink it, but today was necessary.”

“Really? Why?”

For the first time since they’ve met, Junmyeon moved his head towards Yixing’s direction. “Every time I go back there I have a slight hope that things are going to be alright soon,” he said and paused. “Whenever it doesn’t happen, I just end up feeling disappointed, frustrated, angry, you name it… So today I just wanted to forget about it.”

“And drinking…”

“Helps,” Junmyeon said and took another sip.

Yixing thought Junmyeon had been indifferent about the appointment, but it seems that it had affected him more than he showed. And as a psychologist, he wanted to lecture Junmyeon that alcohol wouldn’t solve any of his problems or bury any of his feelings. But as a young man in his twenties, he knew that sometimes one just needed that drink to stop thinking rationally, at least for a while. Besides, Junmyeon was far from being an alcoholic. He had only drunk two bottles of a light beer, three with the one he was holding. It wasn’t an alarming number, so he hadn’t tried to intoxicate himself (thankfully). Yixing could let it go this time. “You’re surprisingly stable for being drunk,” he said.

“Well, I’m not a lightweight drinker like somebody here,” Junmyeon said while poking Yixing’s left arm.

Then Yixing realized that drunken Junmyeon was talkative. Usually, those drunken ramblings are not just random or idiotic thoughts, they could be the words you didn’t dare to spill while being sober. Right now, Junmyeon would probably answer truthfully to whatever they talked about. Yixing shouldn’t be taking advantage of Junmyeon’s state, but there were so many things he wanted to know. “Where exactly did you get the bottles from?” he asked (this was a helpful question, it was for preventing measures).

“It’s on the second floor, in my father’s study. I had to crawl my way up, and went down while sitting and holding the railing… Three times. Haha.”

“How did you open them?”

Junmyeon placed the bottle on the ground and took out something from underneath him, “With this,” he said holding a bottle opener.

Yixing didn’t want to praise him for doing that, but it was the most Junmyeon had done since they had met. “And you call yourself useless…” he said instead.

“True. I guess I do serve for something… It should be my new job! Goodbye swimming and accounting, hello bringing bottles from the second floor,” Junmyeon said and then laughed.

Between Junmyeon’s insincere and mocking laughs, or his drunken ones, Yixing didn’t know which one was better (or worse).

“Let’s not be too hasty… But were you studying to become an accountant?” Yixing asked. Junmyeon hadn’t mentioned what he studied exactly, only that he chose it because it was easy for him.

“Yep, math was easy.”

“That’s a peculiar choice,” Yixing said. He had expected Junmyeon to become something related to sports, or swimming.

“I know, my mom wanted me to have a ‘regular’ job besides swimming. She told me I shouldn’t be confident that it was going to last forever, and guess what? She was right,” Junmyeon said with a somber tone. He took another sip from the bottle. It was less than halfway through now.

“Why don’t you like going outside the house? You never want to visit the town or something,” Yixing asked another of his questions.

“For what? So, people can talk, mumble or pity me. ‘Give space for the blind man! Oh, poor him, he’s so young and blind! What a shame, poor him. SIR DO YOU NEED ANY HELP! What happened to you? God, we’re so lucky to be seeing. Poor him, poor him, poor him!’ I’m already aware I’m pitiable, do I need to hear it from them? No, thanks.”

It was true. Some people were just too inconsiderate of the disabled person. They thought being disabled meant, the affected one didn’t hear any of their idiotic mumblings and whispers, or that being blind meant they were deaf as well. Yixing understood it, but he didn’t wish for Junmyeon to be isolated just because of that. “It shouldn’t stop you from anything, Junmyeon. People will always talk, that’s inevitable. But you have the choice to care or to just ignore it. Believe me. Eventually, you’ll just ignore it.”

“Seems like you talk from experience, but you’re not even blind,” Junmyeon said.

“Something like that… Next question. Why don’t you ever speak to me? Look, we’re talking so normally right now, but I’m pretty sure tomorrow you’ll be your usual quiet self again.”

“I don’t want any friends, I don’t need them.”

“Why?”

“Because they are just like those people. They treat you as an incompetent disabled man, which I am. But it’s insulting, you know? Their voices, their over attention, the way they speak for you, it’s all annoying,” Junmyeon answered and yet again took a sip of beer.

Another thing that was true. Friends and family were not always aware that their extreme precaution (or lack of it) could hurt the affected person. “But have I ever done any of that to you?” Yixing asked.

Junmyeon took some time before answering. He probably tried to remember any instance Yixing had been like that. “No, I don’t think you have ever pitied me like that.”

“I already told you from the beginning, you don’t qualify as someone I would pity,” Yixing said and smiled at him. “Why don’t you ever take off your shades?” was his next question.

Before Junmyeon answered, Trost, got up from his lap and walked away from them. “People don’t look at me in the eyes when they talk to me. Their gazes are always somewhere else. It’s useless to show them my eyes.”

“I never look away when I talk to you,” Yixing said.

“Yeah, I know, I always feel your gaze... Like right now. But I know one day you will, when you realize how tiring it is to look at someone... Who will never look at you.”

“That’s not true Junmyeon.”

Junmyeon took the last sip from the bottle and then placed it with the others. “Ok, my turn. Why the heck did you carry me like that the other day?” he asked.

Yixing chuckled. “I was desperate, I wanted to take you out from your reclusion.”

“Did my mother ask you to do that?”

“No, it was my idea.”

“Well, it was humiliating, and I was pretty mad at you.”

“I know, and again, I’m sorry,” Yixing apologized one more time.

“What’s done it’s done,” Junmyeon said. He laid on his back, with his hands underneath his head. “I can’t see shit, but I imagine the moon looks enchanting right now. It always did… Back then,” he said.

Yixing looked at the dark sky above them and immersed himself in the bright moon, surrounded by clouds and stars. “Yeah, it’s a full moon shining brightly. Some clouds and stars are accompanying her. It’s beautiful.”

“That’s nice.”

There were quiet for some time and stared at the vast space above them. Yixing thought Junmyeon had fallen asleep and was just going to pick him up when Junmyeon talked again. “Are you hot?” he asked.

“Not really, it’s a pretty chill night.”

“No! Are you hot, like attractive hot?”

Yixing laughed. “What kind of question is that?”

“Hey! I’m asking now. And I just wanna know what you look like.”

“Why?”

“You have a lovely voice, and I’m trying to picture what kind of face you might have. So, are you?”

“Considering you’re asking me, don’t you think it’ll be a biased answer?”

“Perhaps. Does it means you are?” Junmyeon asked.

Yixing chuckled again. “I don’t know, a few might say yes, others will argue I’m not. I don’t know.”

“Well, can I touch your face? To have a general idea.”

“Sure…” Yixing answered and leaned forward to Junmyeon.

Junmyeon outstretched his hands up and felt Yixing’s face. “Soft bangs, strong eyebrows, plump lips, and… Dimples?”

Yixing had smiled at the sensation of Junmyeon dabbing his facial features, revealing his dimples. “Yeah.”

“Adorable,” Junmyeon said and withdrew his hands.

“So, what’s your verdict?” Yixing asked jokingly.

“I don’t know. My mind’s not working properly to puzzle out your features.”

Yixing laughed.

“Ok, do you find me attractive?” Junmyeon questioned.

“I don’t know… I can’t really tell since I haven’t seen your eyes yet. It’s difficult.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, I just asked you why you never take off your shades.”

“Ah, right, right,” Junmyeon said and then took off his shades. “Well, what about now?” he asked and smiled.

Junmyeon’s brown eyes were beautiful, the moonlight made them almost sparkle, and his smile was so precious he hoped to see him beam all the time. “I guess… You do look hand… Handsome,” he stammered.

Junmyeon smiled triumphally. “I know... Do you have a girlfriend?”

“No.”

“What about a boyfriend?”

“Nop.”

“Okay, have you ever had any of them?”

Yixing thought back on the days of his first love, a love he had hoped would last forever. However, that had just been an illusion. “I used to have a boyfriend… But that was a long time ago,” he said.

“Hmm. I don’t have one either, a boyfriend that is… Can I kiss you then?”

“Wha-what?”

“If I can kiss you.”

“Why?” Yixing asked in disbelief.

“I wanna remember what it feels like… Kissing someone.”

“It's a bad idea.”

“Why?”

“You’ll regret it in the morning.”

“I don’t think I’ll even remember it.”

“And that’s another reason why you shouldn’t.”

Junmyeon sighed. “So, you don’t want me to kiss you then?” he asked and pouted his lips.

“You should kiss someone you like Junmyeon, not for the sakes of it. Trust me, it’ll be more special,” Yixing comforted him.

“Your loss then,” Junmyeon said and yawned, then closed his eyes. “They say I’m a great kisser.”

Yixing laughed. “What a pity.”

There was another moment of silence, a long one before Yixing asked his final question. “Junmyeon is there something you wanna do? Anything you’ve wished for? Besides kissing me that is…”

“I wanna go to a con-concert,” Junmyeon mumbled. Slowly he was drifting off to sleep.

“A concert?”

“Yeah, it’s in… Seoul.”

That was unexpected. Yixing hadn’t pictured Junmyeon as an avid pop fan. “Whose concert? Junmyeon?” he asked.

After getting no reply, Yixing looked at Junmyeon, who was now sound asleep. Yixing smiled tenderly. “Thanks for finally talking,” he said, “Sorry, but I’ll have to carry you again.”


	5. Chapter 5

**The Thunder Lads Quintet**

It hadn’t been easy to find out which concert Junmyeon had meant that night. Yixing first called Junmyeon’s mother and asked which possible singer or band it could be. The woman was thrilled to hear Junmyeon wanted to go out (of course Yixing had omitted the drunken part). She suggested many known names that Junmyeon used to listen as a teenager. It seemed Junmyeon had been into international artist rather than the local ones. However, when Yixing researched about their upcoming activities, none of them were having a concert in Seoul anytime soon.

The next step was to search on Junmyeon’s phone. Even though Yixing helped Junmyeon find songs on the music apps and Youtube; he had never paid attention to what artist Junmyeon exactly listened to. He shouldn’t be snooping Junmyeon’s phone, but he believed it would help Junmyeon. Whether that reason was justifiable enough was up to debate. Yixing did the same procedure as before, and he got surprised when he found out which concert Junmyeon had meant. Nevertheless, he had found one artist that was performing in two days, and another one in September. It might be a waste of money, but Yixing bought two tickets for the earlier show.

The last step was going to be the hazardous one, telling Junmyeon. Drunken Junmyeon had been cooperative; sober Junmyeon was not so much. Still, Yixing believed he would say yes. Therefore, the night before the concert, during dinner, he finally asked.

“Jun-Mr. Kim, I have two tickets for The Thunder Lads Quintet concert. Would you like to go?”

Junmyeon stopped eating and went numb. “How did you know?”

“Oh, the other night when you… drank, eh, you kinda said you wanted to go… so, I looked it up and its tomorrow night,” Yixing said. He was relieved to know he had guessed right. And the moment of truth had come. Yixing anxiously stared at Junmyeon.

“It’s in Seoul,” Junmyeon said.

“I know, but I figured if we left earlier, then we could make it in time. And since it’ll end late, we should perhaps sleep over there, maybe in my place if you’re fine with it.”

Junmyeon was quiet for some time, and Yixing’s heart sank with every minute he didn’t say a word. Until Junmyeon broke the silence and asked, “What about Trost? Will he be alright?”

The words Junmyeon uttered were enough to make Yixing smile widely. “He gets really anxious from sitting in the back for such a long time, so I want to leave him in the Dog Care Center. They’ll take care of him.”

“Okay,” Junmyeon replied, “I’ll go.”

Yixing was beyond excited and would have screamed ‘Yes! Yes!’ but decided to contain himself, beaming at Junmyeon instead.

The next day, in the morning, Yixing and Junmyeon went to leave Trost at the Dog Care Center. Then they embarked on the five-hours trip. Most of the drive was in silence, and the pair only talked when they had stopped to eat lunch. It was around three in the afternoon when they arrived in Seoul at Yixing’s place. They had four hours to spare until the concert. First, Yixing gave Junmyeon a tour around his apartment. Junmyeon would be sleeping in Yixing’s room and Yixing in the living room. Then they sat and watched some TV while waiting.

When there were a few hours left, Yixing offered Junmyeon to borrow some of his clothes (since he was wearing his usual ones). Afraid that he had offended Junmyeon, he was about to apologize when Junmyeon actually said: “That would be great.” He helped him get ready. Once they were finished, Yixing thought Junmyeon looked radiant, model-like. Junmyeon was wearing his black pants and sapphire blue three-quarters shirt. Yixing had never worn that outfit before, and he was glad because he would never look as good as Junmyeon. Yixing would have to thanks Tao later for his fashion sense (and compulsive buyer behavior).

Around half-past five, the pair left for the concert. It was going to be held at a restaurant downtown. Once inside Yixing described the place for Junmyeon: the bar counter was to their right; there was a stage with a bass, a piano, a drum set, and a cello; tables surrounded the scene, and the lighting was dim. It was an intimate atmosphere. Yixing and Junmyeon sat in the middle, close to the stage. They had arrived early, so Yixing ordered them something to eat while they waited. Soon more people began to come in, and around seven o'clock, the place was full.

Five young men, possibly their ages, got up on the stage. The Thunder Lads Quintet was a jazz group, founded three years ago, that mostly did covers and renditions, but had recently released a few songs of their own. One by one the members introduced themselves to the audience: Jongdae, the pianist; Chanyeol, the drummer; Kyungsoo, the main singer and trumpet player; Sehun, the cellist and bass player; and lastly Baekhyun, the saxophonist and trumpet player. The crowd clapped, and then the concert began.

Baekhyun started playing the trumpet then Chanyeol, and the others accompanied him. The song had a gentle melody that harmonized marvelously with Kyungsoo’s voice. It was an English song, and Yixing had to ask Junmyeon which song it was. ‘But Not For Me’ Junmyeon answered.

The following performances were just as brilliant as the first one. Yixing had never listened to jazz before, but he was glad to have experienced this. ‘Take Five; Moanin; So what, and Blowing the Blues Away,’ were just a few of Yixing’s new favorite songs. If Yixing hadn’t been so absorbed with watching the group playing on stage, then perhaps he would have seen the occasional half-smiles on Junmyeon’s face.

Two hours later, it ended. The public cheered and greeted the five young men, who were standing there smiling and bowing. Junmyeon and Yixing perhaps were the one who clapped more enthusiastically.

Yixing waited that the multitude dispersed before they got up to leave. It would be less stressful for Junmyeon. As they sat there, one of the band members came to their table.

“Hey! Thanks for attending our concert!” said the tall male, Chanyeol.

Yixing introduced himself and waited for Junmyeon to answer.

“Hi Chanyeol…, I’m Junmyeon,” he said.

Chanyeol grinned. “What did you guys think?”

Junmyeon answered hastily before Yixing could, “It was perfect!”. Apparently embarrassed by his entusiasm he quietly added, ”It was... Really good.” 

“Thank you,” Chanyeol said while smiling, “How did you guys found out about us?” he asked.

“Oh, he wanted to come, and I just accompanied him,” Yixing replied and tapped Junmyeon’s shoulder, “It was a good choice, though. I must say it too, you guys were amazing.”

“Thanks! What about you, Junmyeon?” Chanyeol asked.

“I’ve been listening to you guys since you began uploading covers online,” Junmyeon muttered.

“Wow!” Chanyeol said in awe. “That was a long time ago! You must be one of our older fans. Wait here; I must get the others.”

“But I’m bli-” Junmyeon interfered.

“Blind. I know, just like our pianist, Jongdae. But why does that matter?”

“What? Jongdae is blind?” Junmyeon asked.

“Yeah, last year he was diagnosed with uveal effusion. Basically, his retina in both eyes slowly started to disintegrate. Now, he can’t see anything.”

“But, how can he play?”

“Just because he’s blind doesn’t mean he can’t, right?” Chanyeol said and chuckled, “That’s what he always says at least. And don’t go yet, they must come to greet you,” Chanyeol said and ran backstage.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Junmyeon asked Yixing.

“Sorry, I thought you knew,” Yixing said.

“No, he had never mentioned his illness before.”

Chanyeol came back, followed by the rest of the band members. Again, one by one they started to introduce themselves to Junmyeon and Yixing while shaking hands and smiling. Surprisingly Junmyeon moved his head towards their way when they talked to him.

“There’s almost one hour left until our next performance, do you guys want some company or were you about to leave?” Chanyeol asked.

“It’s fine by me,” Yixing said, “What about you?”

“Oh, sure,” Junmyeon said.

The quintet grabbed some chairs and sat around the pairs table, Jongdae chose to sit next to Junmyeon.

“It’s really nice to meet you,” Jongdae said. “I can’t believe we have met an old-school follower, those surely are rare.”

“Yeah, you guys are brilliant. And I’m sorry for asking but… How? You were so fantastic on stage I would have never realized it,” Junmyeon wondered.

Jongdae laughed. “We might be blind, but we’re not useless Junmyeon,” he said. “It was either sulking and cursing for the rest of my life or standing up and playing the piano. You see which one I chose in the end.”

“That’s… Amazing,” Junmyeon said.

“Sulking and cursing, Jongdae?” Baekhyun asked and huffed, “Isn’t that a gross simplification?”

“Okay, it might have been a little more than that,” the pianist said, chuckling.

“A little more? You tried to jump from the balcony,” Baekhyun added.

There was a small silence. Junmyeon didn’t know what to say but felt he was probably the only one who could sympathize with the pianist.

Jongdae laughed and lightly pushed Baekhyun, who was sitting next to him. “You’re never letting that go, aren’t you Baek? You just like it when I tell that story because you can be the hero.”

Baekhyun chuckled. “Hey, it’s my shining moment! I saved your ass.”

“I know, and I’ll be forever grateful,” Jongdae answered honestly and kissed Baekhyun’s temple.

“Okay, you two lovebirds,” Kyungsoo interrupted. “Let our guests speak now.”

Yixing had observed the exchange amusedly. While Junmyeon just kept thinking about Jongdae’s current state and how the pianist felt back then.

“Why are you guys called ‘The Thunder Lads Quintet?’ I understand the quintet part, but the rest?” Yixing asked.

“Oh, it was Jongdae’s suggestion, and it won the voting three years ago,” Sehun answered.

“Back in high-school when it was only me, Baek and Chanyeol who was in the band, we were called ‘The Thunder Lads.’ Let’s just say we weren’t exactly the quietest ones. So, the name stuck to me once we formed the official band.”

“It was three votes against two, and I still think it was a mistake,” Kyungsoo lamented.

“You’re just mad because we didn’t choose ‘Kyungsoo and the four idiots,’” Chanyeol said.

The group laughed, save for Junmyeon and Kyungsoo. The later one shook his head and said, “We could have shortened it KATFI.”

There were more laughs.

They continued chatting about their lives and such (except for Junmyeon). Soon, Chanyeol and the others were engrossed in a conversation with Yixing about whether Chanyeol’s dreams predicted the future.

Junmyeon took the chance to ask Jongdae quietly, “Jongdae, how did you…?”

“Managed not to try to kill myself once again?”

“Yeah…”

“Chanyeol told me about your scars. And to be honest, I can’t give you a concrete answer. Time and support, I guess. It’s not a good idea to be alone, believe me. But everyone copes with it differently.”

“Then I just want to know if the feeling ever goes away, or if you’ll live with it for the rest of your life.”

“No, it doesn’t last forever. When you manage to accept yourself as you are, then you’ll be able to move on, and live without fear. But that’s easier said than done, isn't?”

“True.”

When Junmyeon and Jongdae’s conversation was over, they redirected their attention to the group.

“Hey, Jongdae I always wondered, what’s the hardest part of being blind? Besides not seeing of course,” Sehun asked.

Jongdae hummed and said, “I guess talking to Chanyeol.”

Everyone else except Junmyeon laughed.

“Why?” the tall drummer enquired.

“Every time I ask you a yes or no question, you never answer because you’re nodding or shaking your head,” Jongdae said.

More laughs erupted from the group.

“Sorry Dae, sometimes I just forget you’re blind. I mean you basically do almost everything we do,” Chanyeol said.

“What about you, Junmyeon?” Kyungsoo asked.

Yixing looked at him anxiously.

“I… Not being able to do everything without help… But recently someone’s been showing me that there's still plenty I can do by myself.”

Yixing smiled, feeling his heartbeat a bit quicker.

“That’s the spirit,” Baekhyun said. “Soon you’ll be as crazy as Jongdae and even go water skiing. But everyone could use a little bit of help sometimes.”

“Baek, I already apologized for slightly burning your favorite shirt,” Jongdae said.

Baekhyun sighed. “I always say you do the laundry, I do the ironing.”

The group continued chatting for a while until the band members had to leave to prepare for their next performance. Before leaving, the group told Junmyeon and Yixing they would be glad to see them again, gave them a signed copy of their first original EP, and took a picture with them.

Afterward, Yixing drove them back to the apartment. It was around eleven o’clock when they arrived. Yixing prepared some tea for the two, and they sat in the living room.

“Thanks for bringing me tonight. It was spectacular, and I had… A great time,” Junmyeon said.

Yixing was beaming with happiness. “I’m glad you did. It was kinda the point of it.”

“Did you have fun? And did you really enjoyed their music or did you just say that to not disagree with me?”

“I loved it! Honestly! I didn’t expect you’d like jazz. It’s pretty uncommon, considering the artist we have here. Still, I really liked them, they're so talented. And they were all so friendly and funny.”

“Yeah, I know. I’ve been actually wanting to see them live for a long time. But you know, with swimming I barely had time for myself before,” Junmyeon said.

“At least now that’s done.”

“I still can’t believe Jongdae though.”

“Why?”

“It’s just… You’ll think everything ends once you are blind. But knowing he’s standing there, playing just as flawlessly as he did before, and doing so much else, it’s… Extraordinary.”

“It is, but I guess it must have taken him some time until he finally came to terms with it,” Yixing said.

“Yeah, it did. I wonder… I wonder if I’ll ever feel the same.”

“You will, one day, I know you will.”

Junmyeon sighed. “I wanna go to bed now. We should leave early to pick up Trost.”

“That’s a good idea,” Yixing said and stood up. He helped Junmyeon walk to his room and handed him his pajamas.

Before Yixing closed the door, Junmyeon said, “Goodnight and again, thank you... _Yixing_.”

Yixing’s heart skipped a beat at the mention of his name. This time Junmyeon had said it consciously. Despite the shock, he still managed to reply, “Goodnight, _Junmyeon_.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Midnight adventures**

The Thunder Lads Quintet's concert had left some kind of impression on Junmyeon. He might not have become a ray of sunshine, but something had changed. Junmyeon now expressed himself more with Yixing. He said good morning, goodnight, thank you and even answered some of Yixing’s questions such as ‘how are you?’ with ‘like always but it's bearable.’ More surprisingly was the fact that Junmyeon slowly began to half-smile more. It might have been a little, yet it was enough for Yixing.

One afternoon in the beginning days of July, Yixing and Junmyeon sat on the porch with their respective phones. Junmyeon was listening to music, and Yixing was checking out The Thunder Lads new cover. It was then that Yixing saw it. He might be pushing his luck by asking, but as always it was worth trying than keep wondering forever.

“Junmyeon, Junmyeon,” he said and slowly shook Junmyeon’s right arm.

“What?” Junmyeon asked while removing his headphones.

“Look, it’s the trailer for that audiobook we read.”

“We read?”

“Yeah, you don’t use your headphones when you listen to audiobooks. So, I listened to it with you. Anyways, it seems interesting. We should go see it!” Yixing suggested happily.

“No,” Junmyeon said quickly.

“Why not? And don’t say because you’re blind. You sometimes watch TV with me at home.”

“But it is _because_ I’m blind, Yixing. And that’s different.”

“How?”

“Going to the theater only to listen? It’s a waste of money.”

“I’ll be the one paying. You won’t waste anything.”

Junmyeon didn’t say anything, he just fidgeted with his shirt.

“I’ll watch it like you,” Yixing said, hoping it would convince Junmyeon.

“Huh?”

“I’ll keep my eyes closed during the movie.”

“For the entire what? An hour and a half?”

“Two hours, but yeah.”

“That’s stupid.”

“No, it’s not! It’ll be fun, besides, since I saw the trailer I’m already disappointed with the cast. Areum was taller and had green hair, not blue.”

Junmyeon half-smiled. “When is it?”

“We could attend the one at midnight. What do you think?

Unsure of himself, Junmyeon still said, “I guess that’s okay…”

Yixing screamed of joy inwards but outwards said, “Great! We should leave at eleven. And perhaps drink some coffee before leaving. You get sleepy quite easy, right?”

Junmyeon nodded.

Sometime later, they ate dinner, Yixing fed Trost and took him for their night walk, and when Yixing returned he helped Junmyeon get ready. Because it was only a casual visit to town, it wasn’t necessary for them to dress fancily. After drinking their coffees, they said goodbye to Trost, who was already laying on his bed.

As they walked inside the movie theater, Yixing described the scenery for him. Apparently, it hadn't changed much from when Junmyeon had been a teen. He bought them the tickets and snacks, then they went inside the auditorium were perhaps only a dozen people or so were waiting. The lights shut down, and the trailers began playing.

“I promise you, I’m keeping my eyes closed,” Yixing said.

“I believe you. But you don’t have to, you know? If I were you I would peek,” Junmyeon answered.

Yixing moved to his side and buried his face in Junmyeon’s left shoulder. He hoped Junmyeon wouldn’t freak out by their physical contact.

“What are you doing?” Junmyeon asked hastily.

“So, you’ll believe me that I can’t see. It’d be painful to glance with my eyes sideways at the screen.”

“Your neck is going to hurt.”

“Yeah, but what’s a little pain?”

He could hear Junmyeon clearing his throat. “This… This feels awfully like a date,” Junmyeon said, thinking about Yixing’s current sitting position.

“Only if you want it to be,” Yixing said smugly and smiled. Was he going too far by joking?

Fortunately, Junmyeon didn’t push him away or got bothered. “What a way of taking the definition of ‘blind date’ too literal.”

Yixing laughed. “In that case, this is the nicest blind date I’ve ever had,” he said, although he hadn’t really been on many blind or normal dates for that matter.

Yixing didn’t saw how Junmyeon’s cheeks flushed a tad. Then, Junmyeon lightly tapped Yixing’s head and said, “Don’t lie.”

Again, Yixing laughed but thought, I’m really not.

The movie began playing shortly. Listening rather than seeing sure was different, or rather difficult. Imagining the characters wasn’t hard for because they had already had a preliminary idea (but for Yixing, he had seen them already during the trailer). By paying attention to the tone in the character's voices, Yixing could somewhat figure out what they were feeling. However, picturing what was going on, just by listening, was frustrating, especially if a dramatical soundtrack was playing in the background and he had no idea what was going on. There was no description in the settings when it transitioned to new scenery, which made everything to be quite confusing. Although Yixing was happy Junmyeon accepted to go out, he felt somewhat dumb. Still, it was a good thing they had read the book.

“Don’t fall asleep,” Yixing whispered to Junmyeon halfway through the movie.

“Speak for yourself, you’ve been yawning since the train scene.”

Yixing smiled. His neck had become stiff by now, but he still refused to move.

When the credits started to play Yixing could finally sit straight on his chair. Junmyeon looked normal, stoic, but not angry or bored to death. Yixing just hoped Junmyeon hadn’t regret coming, despite it had been difficult. And honestly, Yixing found it to be fun nonetheless. Maybe it was because they were together, or maybe because Junmyeon had gone out, it had been fun.

As they walked outside from the theater to the car, Yixing got an idea. Junmyeon was reluctant to go out due to people’s mumbles and whispers, but right now nobody would be watching them. It was a little over two o’clock, and most of the town was sound asleep.

“Hey, Junmyeon… Would you like to take a stroll around town? There’s almost no one around. Or are you tired?”

“No, I’m not too tired. But you’ll be bored. What is there to do at this hour?” Junmyeon asked, “It’s more fun when you can go to the stores, food places and all that.”

“I won’t be! And I don’t mind. Let’s find out if there is something to do anyway!” Yixing replied chirpily.

Junmyeon half-smiled. “Guide us then,” he said. 

Yixing hadn’t walked around the town much; he often came just to buy groceries. It was now as he walked with Junmyeon that he realized how small it was. But despite its size, this little town was packed with everything necessary. Shops and service centers, restaurants and cafes, bowling alleys and bars, gyms and parks. They could probably find everything they needed at a walking distance. Yixing would say which place they were passing by, and sometimes Junmyeon would answer that he had been there before; that he knew the owners or that he had never heard of it before, an anecdote from those places. The walk was recomforting, walking together in the middle of the night, where quietness reigned save for their voices, and stars followed them shining brightly.

By the time an hour had passed, they had arrived at a park. Yixing had been surprised because Junmyeon hadn’t requested to go home even though he heard him yawning a bit. Yixing suggested for them to have a break before they made their way back to the car.

“Why do I feel we're walking on sand?” Junmyeon asked.

“You’ll see.”

Yixing led Junmyeon to stand in front of a swing. “Ok, turn around. Now sit down, I’m holding the swing for you.”

Junmyeon sighed. “Really? You want to swing me?”

“It’ll be fun.”

“I’m starting to think everything you do is fun,” Junmyeon said but proceeded to sit down anyways, holding the chains.

Yixing smiled tenderly. He carefully began pushing Junmyeon, standing nearby in case something happened.

“I hope you had a nice time,” Yixing said, “Because I sure did.”

Junmyeon gave that attempt of a smile again. “It was.”

“Do you think you can do it again? Like tomorrow? When I come to buy our groceries.”

“No… It’s… Not yet.”

Yixing was slightly disappointed, but soon the feeling dissipated. Junmyeon had come a long way tonight by accepting watching the movie and even walking around. Maybe another day Junmyeon would be ready to return, and Yixing hoped he would be there to accompany him.

“Of course, it’s fine! Whenever you’re ready,” he reassured.

“Will you ever give up?” Junmyeon asked, lowering his head.

“What?”

“Trying to help me. Will you one day wake up and just ignore it all? Realize it’s just a futile case. I always wonder that.”

“I won’t.” But my days are counted, I have to go back eventually, Yixing thought.

“Why do you do this? Try to help others and work as a caregiver. I mean you’re studying psychology. How does that correlate?”

Should he tell Junmyeon the entire reason? He trusted Junmyeon but feared his reaction. Perhaps he shouldn’t say it. Last time it happened he had been called a liar, a mess and a fraud only to get left by the person who loved him. Only a few people like Han and his parents, like Yifan and Tao, had accepted him with his past and scars. No, he wouldn’t say anything about it. However, there were a few things he could tell Junmyeon.

“When I was sixteen I asked my grandfather for a summer job. He owns the company your mother contacted. First, I got to follow different caregivers and help them take care of people. They taught me what to do. I found it nice to be there for someone when they thought they were all alone in this world, or when they felt hopeless, lost and afraid… I know how recomforting it fees to have someone there for you. But not all of them were like that, some were so happy, full of life that I admired their determination to continue doing the best of the situation, despite all their difficulties. I returned next summer and so on. Eventually, I was ready to do it alone. I guess that’s how I learned to be a caregiver, but only as a substitute during the summer.”

“Why aren’t you working with it full time instead?”

“For as much as I enjoy it, I also saw on the caregivers what a physical endurance it takes to be one, sometimes even psychological. I guess I know one day I’ll grow old and I’ll be too tired and cranky to be useful. I figured I could do this while I was young and energetic,” Yixing said and continued pushing the swing lightly.

“Why psychology?”

“To continue helping people.” And also to understand better, he thought. “But enough about me, what were you studying?” Yixing asked, despite knowing the answer already.

“Accounting,” Junmyeon replied. “My last year was supposed to start this term… What a waste.”

“You can go back if you want. There are a lot of methods now to both help you finish your studies, and work as an accountant.”

Junmyeon sighed but didn’t say anything.

Suddenly, Yixing stopped the swing and went to stand in front of Junmyeon. “I think I’m in the mood for a dance,” he said as he grabbed and searched something on his phone.

“At three o’clock in the morning?”

“Yeah, it’ll be-”

“Fun.”

“Exactly,” Yixing said and smiled. “There is a large space in front of the swings, in case you want to join me. No obstacles on the way,”

Junmyeon held the chains tighter. Yixing played the song he had found. It was a rhythmic and lively melody. Soon a woman’s and man’s voice sang:

♪ Downtown we let it go

Sunset high and our bodies low

Blood rush in the hazy glow

My hands, your bones…♪

Yixing started dancing. Junmyeon couldn’t see it, but he felt and heard Yixing’s feet stepping on the sand and tossing it around, and his voice singing along.

  
♫…Move your feet and feel it in the space between

You gotta give yourself a moment, let your body be

We gotta lose it

We gotta lose it…♫

“Come on, don’t you wanna dance as well? Can’t you feel the rhythm?” Yixing asked. Even though he wasn’t much into going out clubbing and such, he did enjoy an occasional dance.

♬…Lose it

Lose it

Lose it

We gotta lose it…♬

Junmyeon kept gripping the chains as if afraid to fall down if he let go. “I can’t dance,” he said.

“It doesn’t matter. I can close my eyes if you don’t want me to see you.”

♪…Wide-eyed, you look at me

Set on fire in a silver dream

Spin round you can feel the breeze

Count one, two, three…

Perhaps it had been Jongdae’s words, or as Yixing had phrased it ‘the rhythm,’ but Junmyeon found himself slowly standing up.

Yixing saw as Junmyeon stood there unsure of what to do next. He smiled. “Just let it go,” he encouraged.

♫…Make a spark, break the dark

Find a light with me

Who we are from the start

Won't you dance with me? ♫

Junmyeon began bobbing his head, raising his left feet in the sand, following the song’s rhythm.

♪ Make a spark, break the dark

Find a light with me

Who we are chasing stars

Won't you dance with me?

Won't you dance with me?... ♪

And then Junmyeon finally joined Yixing on the impromptu dance floor. It didn’t matter to him if his arm movements were erratic, if his feet tossed the sand around, if he sometimes stumbled, or if Yixing was seeing him make a fool of himself, nothing mattered. He was letting everything go. Yixing accompanied him gladly, smiling broadly and singing along.

♫…We gotta lose it

We gotta lose it

Lose it

Lose it

Lose it…♫

As the song drew to an end, Yixing had stopped paying attention to the music and was captivated by Junmyeon’s wonderful laugh. He saw how Junmyeon’s cheek glowed so beautifully as he had a wide teeth smile.

“What’s so funny?” Yixing asked.

Junmyeon kept chuckling, “This is so dumb! I have never danced before, so I must look like a fool,” he said but didn’t stop moving.

“Oh no, don’t worry! I don’t know how to dance either. My friends say I shouldn’t try because I’m embarrassing. But who cares?” Yixing said and laughed with Junmyeon.

♬…Move your feet and feel it in the space between

You gotta give yourself a moment, let your body be

We gotta lose it

We gotta lose it ♬

When the song ended, shifting to another song, Yixing and Junmyeon laid down on the sand beside each other. Their laugh subsided slowly, and they were breathing rapidly. The back of their hands was slightly brushing one another.

“Yixing, tonight was _fun_ ,” Junmyeon said, now fully smiling.

And Yixing just looked at Junmyeon reciprocating the same joy.


	7. Chapter 7

**Camping**

After that night at the town, it felt as if Junmyeon had opened more to Yixing to the point they could be considered friends. At least now they spoke more and even joked. Of course, Yixing continued with his efforts to bring Junmyeon some fun during his daily life. This time he planned for them to go camping. Yixing had found a camping area, only a few kilometers away from their house, where they could go fishing, eat and sleep outdoors. Instead of taking the car, Yixing had bought a tandem mountain bicycle they could ride together. He bought other supplies as well. Last night he prepared two camping backpacks that contained their sleeping bags, a tent, extra clothes, and other necessities. Today, after lunch he told Junmyeon about it.

“We should go camping today, Junmyeon,” Yixing uttered as he washed the dishes.

Junmyeon, who was standing near him, said, “What?”

“There’s this place about ten kilometers away from here, where we could camp. Perhaps you have already been there before.”

“I think I have, but Yixing we live in the woods. We can just sleep outside, and it’ll be camping.”

Yixing chuckled. “I know, but it’s more interesting to sleep somewhere away from the conformity of the house. That way we won’t be tempted to walk back. It’d be an adventure.”

“What’s the point? Is there something we can do there? I mean you could do lots, but I’ll just be your burden.”

Yixing finished washing the plates and went to stand in front of Junmyeon. He placed a hand on his shoulder and said, “Listen to me, you’re not a burden, Junmyeon. And there are lots of things we can do together, just follow me and you’ll see,” he said and smiled, removing his hand.

Junmyeon sighed. “You sure never give up, do you?”

“Never.”

“Then… I guess it wouldn’t hurt trying.”

Yixing smiled broader. “I have everything ready. But you should perhaps change clothes… You know khakis and that t-shirt are not for the wilderness.”

That made Junmyeon laugh. “I see you’ve planned this before? And I figured I had to. Do you have something I could use?”

“I have just the perfect thing.”

Yixing handed Junmyeon some cargo shorts, a sports t-shirt, and his sneakers. While Junmyeon got ready, he changed himself. Then, the pair walked outside the house.

“What about Trost? I haven’t seen him since this morning,” Junmyeon asked.

“He’s a bit old to run long distances without pauses. And I took him to the dog care this morning, he’ll be safer there.”

Yixing walked with Junmyeon to stand near the parking area and where the tandem bike laid on the ground. He went back to gather their backpacks, locked the house and returned. “Here, you’re also carrying one,” Yixing said as he handed Junmyeon one of the large bags.

“What? Aren’t we taking the car?” Junmyeon asked while putting on the backpack.

“Nop, we’re riding a tandem bike. Here’s your helmet.”

“Is it safe?!” Junmyeon asked worriedly.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be with you!” Yixing reassured, put on his own helmet and went to pick up the tandem bike, holding the front gear. He moved to stand in front of Junmyeon. “You’ll be the rear rider, and I’m standing in front of you, holding the bike. You can do it!”

Carefully Junmyeon moved his hands to touch the handlebars, then he raised his left leg up to get the rear top tube in between his legs. Once Yixing saw Junmyeon standing and grabbing the handlebars steadily, he proceeded to do the same on the front ride.

“Yixing, what if we fall?” Junmyeon hesitated.

“We won’t! Trust me, and trust yourself! We can do this Junmyeon,” Yixing encouraged him. “Put one foot on the right pedal.”

Junmyeon, still unsure, did as he was told anyways and Yixing followed suit.

“On the count to three, we get on the saddles together and start pedaling, ok?” Yixing said as he looked back at Junmyeon.

“Okay…”

Yixing moved his head back to the road and counted, “One…two…three!”

Junmyeon’s heart skipped a beat at the impulse, but although they stumbled a little, the pair managed to balance the tandem in the end. Without any problems, Yixing and Junmyeon were bicycling their way from the house area to the main road.

“What did I tell you, Junmyeon?”

Junmyeon smiled. Never had Junmyeon thought he would ever be able to ride a bicycle again, but Yixing kept proving him wrong of his assumptions. Surely, he couldn’t see the road, or the landscape surrounding him. However, listening to Yixing’s soft voice detailly explaining the scenery, the wind hitting his face, the sound of the tires smashing the gravel, the smell of various scents, the way his feet rotated the pedals, made the experience recomforting and real.

It was a warm summer day, not unbearably hot, but pleasant. They rode at a regular pace, following the instructions from Yixing’s GPS. Yixing had driven before to the recreational area to secure that they followed the route with the least problematic terrain. They were beginners, so having almost no hills, complicated turns or obstacles, facilitate things for them. Soon enough they were halfway through.

“Junmyeon, there’s a field of bluebells to our right! It’s so beautiful like a vibrant lavender sea. Did you know they signify humility, gratitude or everlasting love?” Yixing explained.

“I didn’t,” Junmyeon said and then chuckled. Yixing was always thorough when describing the scenery, and he always used an enthusiastic tone to share what he saw. Plus, Yixing sometimes said random tidbits like before that made Junmyeon smile. 

Once the pair arrived at the camping area, they felt somewhat tired due to all the pedaling. So, when they had gotten off the bicycle, put down their backpacks, took off their helmets, they sat down and rested on the grass. Yixing described the campground: it was a vast open green field, with bathrooms, taps, seats and a fireplace, there was also a river near the camp.

“There’s not a lot of people today, I see only one tent. Here, drink this,” Yixing said as he handled Junmyeon a bottle of water.

“Thanks,” Junmyeon replied, took the bottle and drank. “Probably because it’s Tuesday.”

Feeling rested and energetic again, Yixing got up and started preparing things for the night. Junmyeon felt useless because Yixing had to pitch the tent alone, but Yixing told him it was all right. Still, Junmyeon couldn’t help feeling bad.

When everything was ready, Yixing and Junmyeon headed to the river. Yixing had packed two portable spinning fishing rods, and other equipment for them to go fishing. Yixing guided Junmyeon to sit on the riverbank. He began preparing the fishing rod. Once he finished, Yixing gave the rod to Junmyeon and proceeded to prepare his own.

“Is this our dinner?” Junmyeon asked as he waited for Yixing to be ready.

“Nop.”

“Then, what? Are we just going to throw them back in the water?” Junmyeon asked furrowing his brows.

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Junmyeon laughed. “What’s the point in fishing then?”

“Well… We… Can have a competition! Whoever catches the most fish and throws then back in, wins.”

Junmyeon chuckled again. “What an exciting competition,” he said, yet his inner winner was curious. “But what’s the price? Maybe it convinces me.”

“Umm… To do whatever the winner wants?”

“You just came up with that, didn’t you?”

Yixing laughed. “Yes, but it’s a tempting offer, isn’t?” he said. He already had in mind what he’ll ask Junmyeon to do in case he won.

“Maybe.”

Yixing smiled. “Ok, I’m done. You do know how to cast the rod and such, right?”

“Do you know?” Junmyeon teased, “I grew up here, of course, I do! I went fishing with my father.”

“Actually yes, I practiced yesterday and…” Yixing said as he cast the spinning rod in the water, “It seems to work.”

Junmyeon cast his rod as well and asked, “YouTube tutorials?”

“Something like that,” Yixing answered and then laughed along with Junmyeon.

The pair spent the rest of the afternoon fishing while talking about themselves, school or just anything. Junmyeon was very lucky, or maybe it was because he was skilled, but he caught the first one, and the next one and so on. Yixing had a clear disadvantage, and Junmyeon wondered if Yixing was losing on purpose. However, the way Yixing teased him when he was starting catch up to Junmyeon’s score, made the thought vanish. In the end, Junmyeon had gotten ten fish while Yixing caught eight. Junmyeon had not come up with what he wanted Yixing to do, so they decided to put it on hold for now.

Before the sun settled, they walked back to the campground. Yixing saw that the people of the other tent were an old couple. The pair greeted them as they passed by. When they arrived at their tent Yixing took out and set up the camping stove to prepare their dinner. Once again Junmyeon couldn’t help but feel worthless. When Yixing noticed his uneasiness, he would say it was alright. Yet it didn’t feel like that for Junmyeon. For the first time since he got blind, Junmyeon wished he knew how to do things while being blind, instead of letting someone else do it for him.

The dinner Yixing prepared for them was noodles with fried eggs. Once they finished eating ended, Junmyeon could finally be useful. He helped Yixing rinse the dishes. Junmyeon thought they would be going to sleep when they were done, but Yixing had one last thing in mind. Yixing took Junmyeon to sit near a fireplace. Yixing went to search after sticks and started a small bonfire. He gave Junmyeon a stick.

“To roast marshmallows,” Yixing said. He opened the bag and passed one to Junmyeon.

Junmyeon took it and put in on the stick while smiling. “I haven’t done this since I was twelve,” he said, reminiscing memories from his childhood. With Yixing’s guidance, he placed the marshmallow in the fire.

Yixing smiled at him. “This is the first time ever I’m doing this,” he said as he prepared his own marshmallow on a stick and placed it in the fire.

“Really?”

“Well I grew up in the city so, that might be why. I think you should remove it now.”

Junmyeon did as he was told. “Tell me a story Yixing,” Junmyeon said as he blew off his marshmallow.

“Really?” Yixing asked and removed the stick from the fire.

“We’re sitting next to a bonfire in a campground, of course, we have to tell scary campfire stories!” Junmyeon replied.

Yixing hummed. He was glad to hear Junmyeon was excited about something. “But I’m afraid I don’t know any good scary stories.”

“It’s alright, anything works.”

“Ok…” Yixing said and thought of what story he should tell. Suddenly, he realized which one.

“Once upon a time, in an old village, lived a little boy together with a... monster.”

“But nobody in the village knew it was a monster. On the outside, it seemed so innocent, so kind, so lovable, so sweet. It was only the boy who saw its true nature because when the monster closed the doors to their home, it changed and all hell broke loose. When the little boy was just a toddler, the monster would just lock him in a dark room whenever he cried. The child spent many hours in the darkness alone, afraid and cold. But as the child grew up… The monster began hurting him, multiple times, with… Anything that could make the little boy sad.”

“Why?” Junmyeon asked.

“Because the monster fed on the little boy’s suffering, on seeing his afraid and pleading eyes, it gave its strength.”

“Then why didn’t the little boy say anything?”

“He couldn’t because he was weak and scared. He was afraid the monster would find out it was him, and that it would make him suffer more. Besides, as I said, the monster feigned a different character.”

Yixing retook his story.

“Nobody in the village suspected what he did. The villagers liked the monster, thought it was nice, an angel sent from the skies. You could say it looked like one too. And neither could the little boy run away… He had nobody outside, and despite that, he suffered he actually had a warm home. Some days the little boy wondered what he had done to deserve all of that. Why he had been born, why did he lived? But, you know, despite all his pain, the little boy had a friend whom he loved deeply. And sometimes the friend was all the support he needed to go through every day with the monster. The friend made him happy, and he didn’t feel alone when he was with him.”

Yixing paused.

“One day the friend decided to visit the boy. The monster didn’t like having unexpected guests that could see its true nature and always ordered the little boy to not bring anybody. But the little boy thought the monster would return late from its expeditions, and wouldn’t realize somebody had come, so he let his friend come over. He was wrong of course… The monster came back to their house earlier than expected, and it wasn’t happy. It realized the little boy had slacked on his chores. So, the monster called after the little boy. Afraid he told his friend to hide and wait for him. But soon the friend heard everything. Worried, the friend went to search for the little boy and what he saw angered him. The friend saw how the little boy was in pain, and bravely he stepped up for the little boy. It annoyed the monster, and it stopped its actions to go to after the friend. As he saw his friend getting slapped, the boy had gotten enough, he didn’t want anyone else to suffer what he suffered. Desperate, he grabbed a knife and buried it in the monster’s back, killing it and freeing himself from its cruelty… But it wasn’t a happy ending, no. Everyone in the village blamed the little boy for the loss of their angel. They called him a liar, a... Murderer. The only one who believed the little boy was his faithful friend. And both were exiled from their village, to live in the cold outside world…”

“The end,” Yixing said.

“Wow, that was…that was bizarre and kinda dark?” Junmyeon said after Yixing finished his tale. “And you told me you didn’t know how to tell stories! What a terrible ending.”

Yixing wasn’t looking at Junmyeon when he said, “Well, is not all a bed of roses.”

“I wouldn’t have taken you for liking brutal tales.”

“There’s… So much we don’t know about each other, Junmyeon,” Yixing whispered.

Before Junmyeon could ask, he felt water drops running down his cheeks, only to be met with pouring rain. Their clothes were drenched instantly. Quickly Yixing got up and helped Junmyeon walk back to their tent.

“Oh great, it doesn’t rain the entire summer, but it just had to be today,” Junmyeon complained once they were inside. He swept his face with his hands but kept the shades on.

“Sorry, the weather app forecasted no rain today,” Yixing apologized.

“It’s not your fault,” Junmyeon said and smiled.

Yixing searched in the backpacks after a lantern, then after some clothes and a towel. “Here, your pajamas,” he said and gave them to Junmyeon. “You can change, I promise I’m facing the other way,” Yixing said and turned away from Junmyeon.

Junmyeon said yes, dried off, and took off his soaked clothes. It was now he realized how small the tent felt. Being unclothed inside the minor space with Yixing made Junmyeon flush, but he trusted Yixing wasn’t looking at him. Once he was done dressing, he handed Yixing the towel. Junmyeon could hear how Yixing dried off, removed his clothes and changed. Again, Junmyeon found himself blushing.

Afterward, Yixing dried the floor and prepared their sleeping bags. He put the lantern aside. Because the tent was somewhat small, they would practically be sleeping next to each other. It was a good thing Yixing didn’t roll in his sleep.

They laid down and snuggled inside their sleeping bags. Junmyeon could feel the proximity to Yixing, and he blushed again. He took off his shades and put them somewhere close to him.

“Goodnight, Yixing,” Junmyeon whispered.

“Sleep well, Junmyeon.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Emergency**

As the summer continued, one day, Junmyeon found himself facing an emergency.

It was a morning after breakfast and Yixing had gone to town. Junmyeon was sitting on the porch listening to an audiobook. He was immersed in the story when he heard someone retching. Of course, it hadn’t come from the mobile phone and a perplexed Junmyeon hushed the device to listen to what was happening. A retching sound resonated again. Junmyeon got worried, it couldn’t have been Yixing, which meant it had to be the dog. He stood up from his seat and tried to find the source of the noise. Then, Trost definitely barfed.

Junmyeon strode towards the living room, and as he walked inside his right feet touched a warm, viscous liquid. He didn’t have time to get angry, though, he was concerned about the dog. “Trost, where are you?” he asked. The dog didn’t emit any response. Attentively he listened to Trost’s heavy and rapid breathings and began walking closer to it. Junmyeon thought he heard the dog underneath the coffee table, so he squatted down to confirm it. Slowly his hands touched the cold floor until he could feel the dog’s head, that was lying on its side. Carefully, he held the dog’s chest and dragged Trost from underneath the glass table.

“Hey, there boy, what’s happening?” Junmyeon said once the dog was free and laid next to him.

Again, Trost didn’t say anything. Junmyeon began petting Trost and felt he was warmer than usual, which was weird because it wasn’t a hot day outside and inside the air conditioner was turned on. He also realized that Trost was shivering and had a runny nose. He got even more concerned when he felt the dog’s rapid heart rate. Junmyeon didn’t know what was happening neither what to do, but he knew things were going to end badly in case he didn’t act rapidly.

Junmyeon got up once again and walked towards the porch. He took a long step to avoid stepping the vomit on the frame of the open sliding glass doors. Rapidly, he grabbed his phone from the patio recliner and returned to the living room, to sit next to Trost.

“It’s okay Trost. We’re going to call Yixing.”

He pushed and held the home bottom until he heard a sound. “Call Yixing,” he said loud and clear. Junmyeon anxiously listened to the beeping sounds, but then a voice spoke saying “The number you dialed cannot be reached at the moment…” and he cut off the call. He tried calling again and thought, Come on, pick up, pick up, as he caressed Trost with his other hand. Once more it was the digital operator telling him that the number he dialed cannot be reached at the moment.

Junmyeon cursed. He didn’t know what to do. Yixing’s phone was off, and panic took over him. What would happen now? He didn’t have a vet’s number, neither could he search for one on his phone because he was blind and useless. He cursed again.

“Think Junmyeon, think!” he said as he tapped his head with both hands. “Who do you call when there’s an emergency?” And it was then he got a light bulb moment. This was the only chance he had to help the dog.

He pressed and held the home bottom yet again, and said, “Call 119.” Unconsciously Junmyeon was holding his breath as he waited. The two beeps he heard before someone picked up felt like an eternity.

“119, what’s your emergency?” said a woman’s voice.

Junmyeon exhaled. “Oh, thank god! Miss, please help me, I think my dog is dying!” he vented.

The woman huffed, “Sir, this line is only for people.”

“I know, but I’m desperate! I don’t know what to do. He’s-, he’s-”

“You should call a vet.”

“I can’t, I’m blind and all alone, and my dog is dying, and… And, please, please help me!” Junmyeon pleaded.

The woman sighed. “Where do you live?” she asked.

Those four words calmed Junmyeon enormously.

* * *

It wasn’t until Yixing was standing in line that he realized his phone was off. Last night he had forgotten to charge it, and this morning as well. During all the weeks, he had left Junmyeon alone, nothing had happened, so, he didn’t worry much about it.

As Yixing drove back, he couldn’t help thinking about everything that had happened with Junmyeon. He was thrilled to know Junmyeon gradually opened himself more to him. It was good to see Junmyeon joined Yixing on his attempts to brighten the days. However, he had almost two weeks left of the summer break, and there was still one thing that remained undone.

“Junmyeon, Trost, I’m back!” Yixing shouted from the entrance as he got in, but nobody answered. Odd, he thought. He walked to the kitchen and placed the bags on the counter, then strode towards the porch. Yixing noted some footprints stained the living room’s floor, and his eyes found the pool of vomit that was under the glass door frames between the living room and the porch. He got worried. He ran outside and called after Junmyeon, but nobody answered. The next place he searched was Junmyeon’s room, yet it was also empty. His heart beat frantically. And a million thoughts went through his mind until he grasped the only rational one: call Junmyeon. Yixing dashed to the second floor and connected his phone to the charger. Once the device started, he dialed Junmeyon’s phone. Those three beeps he got to hear were the most excruciating sounds ever.

“Yixing?” Junmyeon answered.

Yixing heaved a sigh of relief after hearing Junmyeon’s voice. “Oh Junmyeon, thank heavens you’re fine!”

“Yeah, I am but-”

“What happened? Where are you? What’s going on?”

“Yixing, I’m at the vet. Trost wasn’t feeling well.”

“Trost?” Yixing said, and once again his heart sank.

“Yes, it’s something called pyrexia, and the vet is treating him right now.”

“Pyrexia? What? Where are you?” Yixing asked confusedly.

“I'm not sure, but I can ask the receptionist.”

As Yixing had gotten the directions, he had gotten in the car. “Okay, I’m on my way,” Yixing said. He remembered walking through that place with Junmyeon that night after the movie theater.

“See you soon, Yixing.”

“Yeah, bye Junmyeon,” Yixing replied and drove as fast as he could to the clinic.

* * *

The 119 operators had called after a taxi, which helped Junmyeon and Trost. The chauffeur picked up the sickened dog from the living room, and Junmyeon followed them to the car. In less than twenty minutes they arrived at the vet clinic. Junmyeon was so worried and preoccupied with Trost that he didn’t mind holding the chauffeur’s shirt as they walked inside, bumping into things, or the fact that some people mumbled as they saw them passing by.

He heard a woman’s voice asking him what had happened and Junmyeon explained everything he knew. The receptionist (Junmyeon assumed) called after a vet saying it was a case of pyrexia. Then, they took away Trost and asked him to sit in the waiting room. But before going, Junmyeon knew he needed to pay the cab driver, yet he didn’t have any money as Yixing was the one in charge of it. When he explained the man his reason, the receptionist kindly paid for it until Yixing came for them. Junmyeon thanked the woman for her help, as well to the cab driver. Later the receptionist guided him to sit on a chair.

As he was sitting there nervous and anxious, his phone rang. With his right thumb, he fumbled trying to scroll it to the right. Finally, he managed to answer, and to his delight, it was Yixing who was calling.

Junmyeon felt relieved that he had managed to help Trost in time and hoped nothing dangerous would happen. He got surprised by the fact he was currently outside the house during the daytime, that he was sitting in a waiting room with other people surrounding him. Is this how the outer world feels like now? he asked himself. Oddly, he didn’t think it was off-putting. Of course, Junmyeon was frustrated with not knowing the terrain, but he wasn’t scared. Now that he remembered it, he didn’t get annoyed with the voices he had heard saying ‘Oh, look out, he needs space,’ and so on. Although he had barely done anything himself to help Trost, he felt relieved and grateful to the people that had taken their time to aid them. Perhaps they had done it out of pity, but he didn’t care. No, Junmyeon didn’t care, and he found it odd. Odd because in almost two months he had changed in many ways he believed were irreversible. What had happened to him?

Suddenly Junmyeon felt a hand touching his shoulder.

“Junmyeon,” Yixing said.

Junmyeon looked up and answered, “Yixing, you’re here.”

Yixing smiled at him. “What happened?” he asked as he took a seat next to Junmyeon.

Once Junmyeon had finished explaining everything he went through to bring Trost there, a vet came to talk to them. They stood up, introduced themselves and Yixing asked, “vet, how’s Trost?”

“He was suffering from pyrexia or a fever, a very high one. If it had gone over by more degrees, then he might have suffered damage to his internal organs.” the vet said.

Yixing gasped, and he felt his eyes starting to glisten.

“But don’t worry, you took him right on time,” she said looking at Junmyeon. “Thankfully he’s stable now, the fever has gone down drastically, and he’s resting now. He’s a strong one, so I think you will be able to take him back in the afternoon.”

“How did this happen?” Yixing asked.

“Infections, other sickness or in some cases it’s unknown. You’ll have to provide us with Trost detailed medical history, and conduct a thorough physical examination to diagnose the exact cause.”

Yixing nodded. “I don’t have them with me, the documents are back in Seoul. But I remember some stuff,” he said.

The vet then discussed with Yixing about Trost medical records and such. When they were done, the vet recommended it was best to continue the diagnosis of the cause in Seoul instead, where Trost home vet and documents were. Yixing asked if it were possible to postpone it for two weeks, until the date of his return, and the vet said unless the dog suffered from a high fever in the following days, then it should be okay, but that he should take Trost as soon as possible. The vet said that Trost needed to rest, be hydrated and eat well when he got back home. Yixing had thanked the vet before she left.

Junmyeon felt how Yixing grabbed his hand as they stood there.

“Thank you so much, Junmyeon. You saved him, and you were so amazing… Thank you,” Yixing said.

Junmyeon’s heart skipped a beat at the physical contact, and he squeezed Yixing’s hand when he said, “It’s okay, Yixing. Trost is fine now! And I didn’t do it myself… I got help.”

“But you were the one that called for help! It’s all my fault, I should have realized Trost wasn’t feeling well. Then my phone was off, it's all my fault and if you hadn’t been there with him then… Then he-he-”

In a bold move, Junmyeon found himself moving his feet to stand in front of Yixing, and then he embraced him in his arms, holding him by his upper back. Junmyeon didn’t know what was going through his mind, but he didn’t care. “It’s not your fault, Yixing, don’t blame yourself... Things happen, it’s not your fault.”

Junmyeon’s words were so recomforting to Yixing, it was all he needed to hear to calm down and not burst into tears because of his guilt. But he blushed at their proximity, their cheeks were touching, his heart was a frantic fluttering mess, and even so, he raised his arms to hug Junmyeon back. “Thank you,” he answered as he closed his eyes and let himself be held.

Junmyeon smiled, his own heart still beating fast.


	9. Chapter 9

**Heartbeats and blushes**

A few days later, Trost had gotten better. The dog had returned to being his playful and mischievous self, which made Yixing relieved to see again. Meanwhile, Junmyeon had started thinking that perhaps being blind didn’t mean he was entirely useless. Helping Trost had proven him that, and maybe it was because of Yixing’s words of encouragement that he had managed to realize it. Junmyeon was glad, but also sad. He knew that Yixing was going to leave soon, he always knew it, and at first, he wanted it to happen fast. Now, however, Junmyeon wished time wasn’t running out that quickly.

Today, Junmyeon and Yixing were sitting on the dock, gazing into the distance, listening to music together, the midafternoon sun warming them. Trost laid between the pair, sound asleep, and both were petting the dog’s fur. Sometimes their hand’s clashed but neither withdrew them or said anything, just let the contact happen until one of them moved their hand to caress another part of the dog.

“Yixing, we should do something today,” Junmyeon uttered after the song came to an end.

Yixing looked at the other dumbfoundedly. “What? You mean like… Go to the town?” he said with hidden excitement in his voice.

“Yeah… Let’s go wander around, or actually let’s go shopping. I need to renew my closet. This outfit is getting kinda outdated,” Junmyeon said. It was true, he had used the same type of clothes since he had arrived to live with his parents.

“Thank god you realized that,” Yixing said and chuckled. Junmyeon lightly pushed him but ended up laughing as well.

Trost was left behind because they didn’t want to tire him much, he still needed to rest. Yixing couldn’t help smiling as they got up and made their way to put on their shoes. He was beyond thrilled to have heard Junmyeon say that because it confirmed his earlier thoughts. That day at the vet clinic after his original shock, Yixing realized what Junmyeon had done. Junmyeon had gotten out on his own, well, kind of. And as they had waited for the dog to wake up, as they had gone for lunch together, Junmyeon had seemed normal. This gave Yixing hope that once he left, Junmyeon would not fall back into old patterns, and today’s suggestion supported that thought. He felt at ease to know that, yet his heart was uneasy because he would return. This was probably the first time he wished time would slow down. Surely, he and Junmyeon had started off on the wrong foot, but the more they got to know each other, the more Yixing felt reluctant to leave. Nevertheless, he kept smiling as they made their way to the car.

Yixing parked the car near the town’s plaza, where there were shops and buildings of all kind. They got off the vehicle and walked into the first clothing store Yixing saw. The pair strode around. Junmyeon could have taken with him the color detector and thoroughly touch the garments to get an idea of the clothes, but he let Yixing explain the things they were grabbing. As weird as it sounds he didn’t mind listening to Yixing talk, not anymore.

“Should I trust your fashion sense?” Junmyeon asked from the dressing room as Yixing waited outside. They had gathered at least a two dozen of clothes, a mixture of pants, jeans, shirts, t-shirts and more. Yixing was the one who had organized them into possible outfit combinations.

“For your information, I was named the most fashionable guy in high-school.”

“Really?”

“No… But I am friends with him! For the past years, Tao has passed his knowledge to me.”

Junmyeon chuckled. “Well, you can’t be worse than my parents,” he said and then got out the changing room. “How do I look?”

The clothes itself were just a plain gray t-shirt and black jeans, yet somehow Junmyeon made them look beyond their simplicity. Even the dark shades complemented it nicely. “Fantastic,” was the only word Yixing could say.

Junmyeon smiled as his cheeks turned a tad pink and his heart skipped a beat. “You’re just too nice to say otherwise,” he said.

“Not really… For example, I’m glad you decided to come shopping today because you were starting to look awful on those khaki pants and that white t-shirt,” Yixing said and giggled warm-heartedly

That made Junmyeon laugh again. “Then, it’s a good thing were getting rid of those when we get home.”

They spent the rest of the time with Junmyeon trying on clothes, and in the end, they left the store with some bags. Yixing went to leave the bags in the car while Junmyeon waited for him. He needed to buy some shoes now. When Yixing returned they continued their walk through the plaza.

“Do you want an ice-cream?” Yixing asked as they approached an ice-cream stand. “They have waffle cones and cups.”

“Sure, I’ll take a cone.”

Once they stood in front of the ice-cream stand, Yixing ordered a vanilla ice-cream for him while Junmyeon wanted a chocolate one. Yixing guided them to a seat on one of the benches in the plaza. It was probably around late afternoon now. Some children were running around and playing with the water fountain. People were immersed in conversations on the seats nearby. Yixing and Junmyeon were talking about which store to go next.

Then, Junmyeon heard a sound of something smashing the ground. “What was that?” he asked.

“Eh, I kinda dropped my ice-cream.”

Junmyeon laughed. “I’m the blind one, yet you’re the one dropping his ice-cream?”

“It’s not my fault! I got distracted by something beautiful.”

“What?”

“You.”

Junmyeon lightly pushed Yixing, yet he was blushing again. “I’m not giving you mine so, you better stop lying.”

Yixing chuckled.

Later they got up and continued with their trip. After they had found the best five pair of shoes, Yixing and Junmyeon made their way back to the car. It was the night-time now, and as they approached the outskirts of town Yixing saw something. He hadn’t paid much attention to the surroundings this afternoon, but now that it was functioning he saw the carnival from afar. He stopped the car.

“Oh, I didn’t know there was a carnival here,” Yixing said.

“It’s a traveling carnival that always visits this town in the summer,” Junmyeon replied.

“Would you… Like to go?” Yixing asked nervously. This was probably a tougher task to carry out for Junmyeon. In the stores and while walking today, there hadn’t been a lot of people, and Junmyeon had seemed comfortable. But now that place was probably going to be full of them. So, if Junmyeon said no, today had still been a big step forward.

Junmyeon thought about it. After a while, he answered, “Sure, it sounds fun.”

Yixing couldn’t help grin broadly. “It will be!” he said elatedly, all previous nervousness gone.

Yixing drove them there. Looking around, he had been right because it was as if all town had gathered tonight. Maybe because he read in the posters that it was the opening night.

Noises, laughs and music Junmyeon could hear all that, but it didn’t stress him. No, he just held on to Yixing tighter as they strode around, and no signs of regret could be seen on Junmyeon’s face.

The first attraction they got on was the bumper cars. The pair shared one car and Yixing let Junmyeon be the driver. There was no risk, besides the meaning of the game was to bump other vehicles. Yixing only told Junmyeon about the other cars and where to go. They made a good team, and Junmyeon was laughing to his heart’s content along with Yixing. Junmyeon’s smile and laughter didn’t falter when they rode the orbiter, the music express, and even the carousel, which he had said was childish but accompanied Yixing anyways. Next, they competed in the mini basketball machines. Yixing closed his eyes to be on the same level as Junmyeon, and Junmyeon believed in his words. Again, Yixing could hear Junmyeon laugh and shout happily when he scored, his competitive nature coming to life. In the end, Junmyeon had won with one point difference. It seemed Junmyeon was really lucky tonight because when they played the ring toss game, he managed to aim one bottle, earning a small stuffed rabbit as a price. Yixing however, despite seeing, wasn’t as fortunate. Soon, their bellies growled, and the pair went to look after something to eat. After hearing the different options, Junmyeon opted for a hamburger and Yixing too.

“Careful not to drop it,” Junmyeon teased once they were sitting on the grass, somewhere people wouldn’t step on them. Yixing just laughed.

The night continued that way with Yixing and Junmyeon riding the different attractions, playing the games Junmyeon could, and laughing and having fun together. Until there was only one last ride to try, the Ferris wheel.

Yixing wasn’t fond of heights, even if it wasn’t that high, but to have Junmyeon by his side could make it all bearable. They got into the cab, and their proximity was the closest the pair had sat next to each other. Their hands were touching as both grabbed the handle. Yixing described the scenery to Junmyeon as the cab ascended slowly. Today, the moon was shining in the dark sky, and there were dazzling multicolored illuminations down there. Junmyeon, unnoticed, started to lean on Yixing’s shoulder as he listened. And when Yixing realized Junmyeon’s position, he couldn’t help blushing at their contact. Nonetheless, he tilted his head towards Junmyeon’s.

They were silent as the wheel motioned them downwards. A crisp summer breeze caressed their faces, but it didn’t cool off the burning sensation in their cheeks. Yixing felt his heart would jump out any minute now, that was how much Junmyeon’s proximity affected him. And he wondered why butterflies were flying wild in his stomach because as far as he remembered it, he didn’t feel them before. But somehow, he welcomed the sudden outburst of feelings.

Junmyeon’s heartbeats were also faster than usual, and he didn’t mind. Sitting with Yixing like that wasn’t strange, or weird, no, again it felt right like two puzzle bits had fallen into place. It made him smile. He wondered when the last time he had felt like that was, or better yet, when did he start feeling this way for Yixing?

In the myriad of thoughts going through their minds, they had one in common that resonated loudly. The words that had surfaced in their heads ever since they became aware of the countdown to Yixing’s return. However, neither of them said the thought, fearful it would cross a line that wasn’t bound to be traversed.

The wheel moved them upwards again.

But aren’t human beings contradictory? They can’t utter simple words of affection, yet fall weak to their inner desires because when Junmyeon raised his head from Yixing’s shoulder and turned to face him, and when Yixing redirected his gaze to meet the dark lenses, both started to lean in. It was only a short distance that separated them. Every noise they heard was shut down, it was only the two of them and their breathing in that small cab. Yixing couldn’t see it, but Junmyeon closed his eyes. Yixing looked at Junmyeon’s lips, wondering if this was really going to happen and something told him it shouldn’t, yet he continued to get closer. Then, he closed his eyes too.

Closing that gap was an interminable moment. Junmyeon felt his heart anxiously expected for the moment his lips caressed Yixing’s, while Yixing’s heart continued being an agitated mess, yearning the same as Junmyeon. They were only a little finger distance away when… It stopped. The Ferris wheel stopped and lightly pushed them back and forth.

Startled, Yixing and Junmyeon opened their eyes. Like that the moment was over and neither of them moved closer. People shouting and laughing, machine rackets, the music, it all came back to them. Aware of their surroundings and their intimate position, a blushing Yixing retrieved from Junmyeon's personal space, and Junmyeon moved his head to face away from Yixing. A kiss would have happened, but neither uttered a word. They weren’t dating, they weren’t lovers, they had just become friends. So, maybe they had been saved by the bell, and it was better to leave things unsaid.

Junmyeon and Yixing got off the Ferris wheel and decided to go back home. It wasn’t late, but both felt already tired. Their earlier awkwardness had gradually dissipated until they were back to being their old selves. On their way to the parking lot, they talked about today’s adventure and how entertaining it had been. The pair was about to get in the car when they heard a bang followed by crackling sounds.

“Fireworks,” Yixing said.

Junmyeon didn’t get on the vehicle. He moved to sit on the hood and told Yixing to sit next to him as they watched, or heard in his case, the fireworks. Yixing happily tried to describe rapidly what was going on, what shapes the explosions were, what colors he saw. Junmyeon listened attentively, smiling at Yixing’s enthusiasm.

“Yixing, I’m gonna miss _this_ …” Junmyeon uttered although he had wanted to say ‘you’ instead. “Us hanging out,” he added and moved his head to face the other.

Yixing stopped looking at the colorful show above them to see Junmyeon. He gasped. Junmyeon had removed his dark shades. Although Junmyeon’s gaze was elsewhere, Yixing looked at those eyes and saw how the shining sparkles from the sky reflected on them. Junmyeon’s eyes were so beautiful, he thought once again. Yixing smiled, sadly. “Me too, Junmyeon… I’m gonna miss _this_ too.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Tears**

On this Friday evening, it was almost one week left until Yixing’s departure and the return of Junmyeon’s parents.

Junmyeon sat in the living room, scrolling through the TV as he waited for Yixing. They were going to watch a movie when Yixing came back from his night walk with Trost.

He still thought about their almost-kiss on the Ferris wheel. Junmyeon knew he had felt things, many things back then, and he had come to one conclusion. But he didn’t dare to say it. He felt afflicted. He wanted to believe Yixing reciprocated that feeling due to that moment, and perhaps they could become something more. However, Junmyeon was afraid to ask because he had nothing to offer. As he was now, he would just be Yixing’s burden. Surely, Yixing knew how to care for him, but he didn’t want that. No, Junmyeon didn’t want Yixing to pity him or be overwhelmed by his ineptness. But at the same time, Junmyeon wanted to say it because the thought of losing Yixing like this was far frightening. Yixing would leave next Saturday and then who knew when they would ever meet again? There was a chance that in the time that passed, Yixing would fall in love with someone else. Was it selfish that Junmyeon didn’t want that to happen?

He continued scrolling through the channels but stopped when he heard something, that familiar sound at the beginning of every race. “The 400m freestyle final relay has started! Seems like a great start for the…” spoke the sports commentator.

During his time of grief, Junmyeon had disconnected from what was going on in the world. These days he usually avoided thinking back on the things he had lost. But the world didn’t stop just because he had closed his eyes from it, no, of course, it wouldn’t.

Six minutes, that was how long Junmyeon heard the narrators on the screen. Six minutes where memories mixed with anger, disappointment, sadness, and impotence flooded his mind with every word the announcers uttered. Six minutes, that was how long his fists remained squeezed. When the race ended, the sound of broken glass resonated in the living room accompanied by forlorn sobs and tears.

Meanwhile, Yixing strode in the woods with Trost. He admired the surrounding scenery. The dark sky, the trees swooshing in the wind, even some owls howling in the distance, the crickets singing. Yixing would miss all of this as well. Who knew when they would return to these peaceful tracts?

Most importantly, who knew when he would ever see Junmyeon again? It was a sad question with an unknown answer. By now Yixing knew he had realized that he was harboring a crush for Junmyeon, and he wasn’t sure how pertinent that was. They were just friends, nothing more, nothing less. But their incident at the Ferris wheel may suggest otherwise. Then again, Junmyeon lived here while he lived in Seoul. And even if Junmyeon had done many brave things and slowly changed his ways, he was still fragile. Junmyeon needed time to heal himself and find his own path in life again. Surely, having someone by your side who supports you, encourages you, loves you, can be helpful.

However, there was still a part of his life that Yixing hadn’t shared with Junmyeon. Yixing was unsure of the other’s reaction when he told him. Will Junmyeon understand him? Or will he feel disappointed and terrified? Considering the fiasco that occurred with his former partner, he was afraid to find out for sure. Even he could have his own insecurities.

Yixing and Trost were back in the house now. As Yixing drew closer to the porch he could hear a wailing. His brows furrowed, his heart sank, and his eyes reflected nothing but concern. He rushed into the living room.

What Yixing saw broke his heart: Junmyeon was kneeling on the floor next to the coffee table. Tears rolled down his cheeks uncontrollably. Desperate cries resonated in the room. And what almost made Yixing lose his mind was the fact that Junmyeon’s hands were stained with that daunting color, his clothes as well.

“Oh, my god,” Yixing said. H ran and squatted down beside Junmyeon.

Junmyeon didn’t say anything but continued crying.

Carefully, Yixing grabbed Junmyeon’s hands. As he observed them, he mentally thanked every deity out there. It wasn’t what his mind had originally thought of, no, they were superficial cuts, probably caused when Junmyeon’s fists smashed the coffee table. Then, Yixing saw what the TV was displaying: the Olympics. His heart sank again.

Yixing moved closer to take Junmyeon in his arms, not caring that he would be getting blood stains as well. His hands caressed Junmyeon’s back. He didn’t have any sentences that could bring Junmyeon a bit of solace. So, he just hugged him. Despite Yixing had wanted to give Junmyeon more time to calm down, he needed to take care of Junmyeon’s cuts. “Junmyeon, we have to clean your wounds,” he said, “Let’s stand up.”

Junmyeon didn’t answer this time either. He still cried. Junmyeon still stood up along with Yixing, and let himself be guided by him.

Yixing took them to the bathroom in Junmyeon’s room. First, he washed Junmyeon’s hands in the sink, cleansing them from the blood. Only a few of the cuts were still bleeding lightly. He sat Junmyeon on the toilet seat. Yixing grabbed the emergency kit from the cabinet and kneeled beside Junmyeon. He took some antibiotic ointment and carefully smeared a thin layer on the wounds. Maybe it was because Junmyeon was still shedding tears, but he didn’t wince in pain. So, Yixing continued with his task. Lastly, he took a sterile pad and placed it on the wounds, and with a tubular bandage, he sealed the cuts in each hand.

“Done,” Yixing said and looked at Junmyeon, whose cheeks were smudged with tears and blood, his nose was running, his lovely eyes were puffy, and sobs continued being articulated from his lips. The image caused Yixing heartache, a pain in his throat, watery eyes. He hated to know there was nothing he could do except let Junmyeon relieve his pain and anger. Yixing stood up and grabbed a small towel. He dampened the cloth and went back to dab Junmyeon’s face carefully, cleansing him from the smudge of tears. Yixing helped Junmyeon stand up again. He led him to the bedroom. But before tucking him into bed, he saw Junmyeon’s stained pajama t-shirt. Yixing went to grab a new one from the closet. He stood behind Junmyeon. “I’m gonna change your shirt.”

Junmyeon didn’t protest.

Yixing grabbed the t-shirt by its hem and folded it upwards as Junmyeon raised his arms. He saw Junmyeon’s toned back, broad shoulders, and smooth skin. His heart beat agitatedly, and his cheeks were flustered. But rapidly he ignored his silly reactions and helped Junmyeon put on the clean t-shirt. Subsequently, he removed the duvet and guided Junmyeon to bed, tucking him in.

“Junmyeon, there are some tissues on your nightstand… If you need anything else, just say so.”

Junmyeon didn’t answer again but continued bawling.

However, Yixing hadn’t dared to leave the room. He had stopped under the doorframe and observed Junmyeon. Afraid that Junmyeon would be spending the night shedding tears alone, something he had been familiar with, Yixing walked back to stand in front of the bed. He saw his own shirt was wet and stained with blood. He took it off but didn’t go grab another one. Yixing didn’t want to leave Junmyeon, he didn’t want to see him fall apart in solitude. No, he wanted to be there for him. And that was why Yixing did was he was about to do. It would perhaps cross the boundaries as friends, heck even as a caregiver, but it didn’t matter. He removed his shoes and socks. Then, Yixing got on the bed, snuggled under the duvet, and once again held Junmyeon in his arms, close to his heart as tears soaked his chest. Again, Yixing didn’t say any encouraging words, there weren’t any that could take Junmyeon out of his current grief. Instead, he just whispered, “I’m here Junmyeon… I’m here with you.”

And that was when Junmyeon reacted. It was a funny thing. A few months ago, Junmyeon had also been a sobbing mess in his room and even had tried to cut himself to death to sooth his pain. Junmyeon had felt so utterly broken, that he had cursed everyone who had tried to save his life, including his parents. Right now, Junmyeon once again still ached, he was still hurt, he was still desolated, he was still angry. Yet despite feeling this way, although he was weeping shamelessly, he didn’t want to fall back into that dark place and being in Yixing’s embrace slowly recomforted him. Junmyeon found some solace in those arms, he found warmth in that chest, and he found relief in Yixing’s voice and words. He wasn’t alone. And he wished he would never have to be. Then, Junmyeon moved his arms to hold Yixing too.

The rest of the night Junmyeon kept crying silently in Yixing’s grasp. Sometimes his howls of misery stopped, and Yixing carefully cleaned his smudged face. But the tears came back and flooded down his eyes once more as more memories and bitterness came, yet Yixing was there with him. Until Junmyeon shed his final tear and gradually he calmed down. He snuggled closer to Yixing’s bare damp chest.

Yixing stopped caressing the Junmyeon’s hair. “Sleep well, Junmyeon,” he rustled. Then, with the lightest of touches, his lips kissed Junmyeon’s head.

Their sleeping position was intimate, affectionate, warm, cozy, like a nest of lovers. Yet, neither of them moved, neither of them said they should. They just closed their eyes together and held each other tightly as sleep overtook them.

The next day it was around late morning when Yixing woke up to an empty bed. His chest felt cold without Junmyeon. Instantly his morning haze vanished, and he got up to search after Junmyeon. He found him sitting in one of the patio recliners. Trost laid on the floor beside Junmyeon, and he caressed the dog’s fur. Yixing walked to sit on the chair next to him.

“Morning, Yixing,” Junmyeon said in a hoarse tone.

A half-smile formed on Yixing’s lips as he looked at Junmyeon. “Good morning, Junmyeon. How are you feeling?” he asked.

Junmyeon sighed. “Better than last night… I’m sorry for making you stay up all night to wipe my tears.”

“Crying is a form of therapy, but I also know that crying in solitude can sometimes be too painful. Just remember, I’m here for you whenever you need a shoulder to cry on,” Yixing said, despite it wasn’t true because he would be leaving soon. Nonetheless, Junmyeon smiled at his words.

“I thought… Recently I’ve been feeling better and the gladdest I’ve been since everything happened. But then I heard the race and I… At first I was angry, then I just broke down.”

While Yixing listened to Junmyeon speaking, he saw how Junmyeon’s eyes started to glisten.

“When it ended and they announced the winner, I couldn’t help thinking… That… That could have been me. That would have been me,” Junmyeon said. “You know, he won with the time I had been working for… It was my time. It could have been my victory.”

Junmyeon exhaled and inhaled deeply.

“I felt so heartbroken, so angry, so disappointed, so wretched altogether that… That tears were the only thing that could come out.”

Despite Junmyeon’s watery eyes, this time no tears were falling from them.

“But although I was aching so much I didn’t wish to do anything like… Like last time. I talked to my therapist this morning, and now that everything is over, now that I had shed a million tears I realized that, I feel that, I don’t want to cry about it anymore. Because it’s too late, it’s in vain. That dream… I can no longer grasp it anymore, it’s out of my reach… And I can’t change the past, neither do I want to stick my mind on what ifs,” Junmyeon said and turned to face Yixing. “I can’t and I don’t want to shut myself in again, not when you have shown me there’s still so much for me, not when I wish to stand on my own and find out if… If there might still be a chance to dream again for someone like me. I might not be as useless as I thought.”

Hearing Junmyeon say those words vanished all the uneasiness Yixing had felt in his heart, and it brought him calmness. A broad, dimpled smile could be seen on his face. Junmyeon had realized his true value and had the will to find out his path in life again. Yixing felt reassured to know that Junmyeon will certainly not seclude himself again when he left, that even in grief and in pain Junmyeon now saw life with a new hope. He got up from his seat and went to hug Junmyeon sideways. “I’m glad for you, Junmyeon. And believe me, there will always be many chances for you. You’ll continue to see what you're capable of and…” he uttered but omitted the rest of his words.

As Yixing hugged him, Junmyeon sensed Yixing’s unclothed skin. He felt a blush paint his cheeks. Nonetheless, he smiled and raised his hands to stroke Yixing’s arms that were holding him. “You’re still not wearing a shirt,” he said.

“Just bear with it a little longer.”

“I’m not complaining.”

Yixing chuckled, that precious laugh Junmyeon liked hearing dearly.


	11. Chapter 11

**Latent**

“Here Junmyeon, don’t forget the helmet,” Yixing said.

“Thanks, Yixing,” Junmyeon replied as he put on the helmet.

The pair stood outside, getting ready to pedal their way to the town. It was Tuesday morning, and Yixing had to buy their provisions for the rest of the week. He had thought of driving there alone, but because it was a nice day he asked Junmyeon if he felt like bicycling with him to the store. Junmyeon had accepted gladly.

At the same time, they got on the saddles and began their journey.

Ever since that day they rode for the first time, they had used the tandem often to visit other places in the woods. By now the pair was better at maneuvering the bicycle. It also helped them that the terrain didn’t have many obstacles. As always, Yixing told Junmyeon the directions and what he saw, while Junmyeon smiled and sometimes asked questions.

The ride to the closest supermarket took them about twenty minutes. Yixing and Junmyeon got off the tandem. Yixing placed the bicycle on the bike rack and locked it. Then, he walked to stand next to Junmyeon.

“Wait, before we go in let me take out something from my backpack,” Yixing said.

Junmyeon nodded.

Yixing removed his bag and looked after the item. “Give me your right hand,” he said.

Junmyeon extended his hand and Yixing passed him an artifact. As Junmyeon touched it, he thought it felt like a remote control, but thicker with only a few buttons, a strap, and it had a small square head that stood out underneath. “What’s this?”

“It’s a barcode scanner! The ID mate galaxy. They are very helpful. You just scan the barcode of the product and then it will say what it is, when its due date, how to cook it if there are recipes available and other important info. But it can also work for other items like clothes, books, medicines and more if its available on the database.”

Junmyeon chuckled. “Is this why you always wanted me to come here with you before?”

“Yeah! But I also enjoy your company.”

A slight flush colored Junmyeon’s cheeks. “I… Like spending time with you too.”

Yixing blushed as well and smiled. “Turn it on. The on and off button is the round and smallest one.”

Junmyeon did as he was told.

“ID Mate Galaxy, ID mode,” spoke the device in a clear and loud voice, then it beeped twice.

“Huh, I thought it would be some kind of double talk with a robotic slash creepy-ass voice, like the Voice Stick, but this one is quite normal and comprehensible,” Junmyeon said.

Yixing laughed. “I know, that time you didn’t let me finish so I could warn you about it. Hopefully, they’ll improve it in the future. But this voice is pre-recorded. So, I’m glad you liked it, and that you’ve used the Voice Stick.”

Junmyeon smiled.

They continued walking inside the store together as Yixing explained the rest of the device’s switches and its functions. Yixing grabbed a cart, Junmyeon held his right arm, and they wandered around.

“Ready to try it?” Yixing asked.

“Yes!”

“Ok! Well, we’re standing in the baking aisle. Maybe we can bake something in the afternoon. Anyways to your left, there are different brands of cake mixes so just grab something, push the button and scan it until you find the bar code. The device will automatically beep and talk.”

Junmyeon nodded and let go of Yixing’s arm to lightly tap the boxes. He picked one from the shelves and began scanning the package. It didn’t take long until he found the bar code and heard the beep.

“Product, Chocolate food brownie mix,” said the device. It beeped again and then added, “Continue.”

“Well, the day I manage to walk on my own, shopping with this will not be as daunting as I thought,” Junmyeon said.

Again, Yixing was smiling broadly at Junmyeon. “That’s true, and I’m sure you can do it, Junmyeon.”

Junmyeon returned the smile. He thought of how wonderful it would be if the day he managed to shop on his own, Yixing would be standing outside the store so, he could praise him, hug him and... Kiss him. He blushed, looking at the floor. “Thank you. Should I put this in the cart? Or do you fancy something else?”

“It’ fine for me. You?”

“Same,” Junmyeon said and nodded. He held out the box for Yixing to take.

The rest of the time the pair continued walking around the store. Yixing let Junmyeon be the one who filled their cart with all the groceries. He only guided Junmyeon to stand in front of the shelves and told him what they needed. Eagerly, Junmyeon scanned the products until he found what they needed.

They had gotten all they needed and were on their way to the checkout counter when Yixing stopped them in the DVD section. Something caught his attention. Why hadn’t I thought of it before? he asked himself. Yixing grabbed some DVDs until he found the one he wanted. “Here, Junmyeon, scan this,” he said.

Junmyeon scanned it until he heard the beep.

The device spoke. “Movie. Interstellar.” It beeped, and added, “Continue.”

“Do you wanna watch this movie?” Junmyeon asked.

“Sure, but have you seen it?” Yixing enquired.

“No.”

“Great!”

“Why?”

“Because it’s an audio-described movie. It describes what is happening on the screen when the characters are not talking. Just like how I’ve been telling you whenever we watch something together. And well when I le-leave then you can watch movies like this unless you want your parents to help you instead.”

A piercing sensation crossed Junmyeon’s heart at the mention of Yixing leaving. He knew it was only a matter of days. The fact that he still hadn’t said anything to Yixing troubled him. But right now wasn’t the moment for that talk so instead, he said, “Yeah, this sounds really practical. I don’t think I want my parents to narrate it, they wouldn’t be as good as you. Are there other ones as well?”

“Yes! But only a few, I think they’re popular American movies. The scanner might have some of their descriptions in case you wanna hear them.”

“No, it’s alright. Pick up the ones that seem more interesting,” Junmyeon said and smiled.

Yixing smiled back.

Once Yixing had paid for everything and stored the items in their backpacks, the pair made their way back to the house.

The remainder of the day they had eaten lunch, gone walking with Trost, listened to an audiobook, Yixing prepared dinner and baked the brownies. When night had fallen, they watched the first movie Yixing had picked up at the store as they ate the brownies.

After the movie, Junmyeon suggested for them to sit near the lake and get some fresh air. Their feet dangled off the dock as they sat next to each other, shoulders almost touching. Occasionally, their feet would feel a splash of the mild water. There was no moon or stars in the night sky, only clouds. A crisp summer breeze cooled their skins.

“You’re leaving soon,” Junmyeon said, trying to hide his disappointment.

Yixing sighed. “I know. Time flies rapidly, huh? It feels like it was yesterday we met.”

Junmyeon smiled at that reminiscence. It had been almost eight weeks ago since Yixing arrived. Yixing, who he had thought of annoying at first, too optimistic for his liking, deaf when they told him not to carry someone bridal-style, and who somehow had found out personal facts about Junmyeon. But slowly Yixing had become _Yixing_. The Yixing who tried to vivify Junmyeon’s moody life; who took him to the outer world and showed him he had nothing fear; whose laugh was so wonderful it was a tune Junmyeon enjoyed to hear; who was so patient, enthusiastic, beautiful and kind; who had helped him realize he wasn’t useless. Yixing, who had become a sort of beacon in the dimness he had been trapped. Yixing, the man he had fallen for. Yixing, who will be leaving on Saturday.

“What’s the first thing you’ll do when you go back?” Junmyeon asked.

“Umm… Probably visit my parents. I haven’t seen them in weeks.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yeah. It’s silly but I’m gonna give them a big hug for the days I have missed them.”

“Oh… Did you miss them very much while being here?”

Yixing saw a worried expression crossed Junmyeon’s face. “I did, but I also liked being here a lot! Besides, we spoke on the phone, so it was all right really.”

A half-smile formed on Junmyeon’s lips. “You must be happy to go back to university.”

“Kinda. It will probably be stressful and hectic as usual. But I guess everything will be worth it when I graduate next year.”

“Then, are you excited to see your friends again? Or… Perhaps, someone, you know, special?” Junmyeon asked nervously.

“My friends, yes. We’re majoring in different things, but we still find time to hang out. And I don’t have anyone special… At least not in that place.”

Junmyeon’s heart skipped a beat. “This might sound weird but… Can I come to your graduation?”

Yixing beamed, a broad, dimpled smile because this secured a chance to see Junmyeon again. “Of course, you can! It would make me really happy to have you there.”

“And I would be really thrilled to be there.”

They both just smiled at each other in silence for a moment.

“You must be looking forward to seeing your parents again, Junmyeon.”

“I am. There are so many things I have to tell them… I was so cold and pretty harsh towards them before because of what had happened. I must have worried, hurt and disappointed them. I hope they forgive me. Because when they come back I just wanna embrace them both, thank them for being there with me through everything and say I love them a lot.”

“I’m sure your parents have nothing to forgive you about. They understand that you were going through major hardships and you didn’t mean to act the way you did back then. They love you, and they’ll be happy to see you feeling much better now.”

“You always seem to know what to say, don’t you?” Junmyeon asked and smiled.

“Sometimes. Other times I’m just speechless.”

“Still, what you say are often good and wise things. Maybe because of what you’re studying, but I also think it’s because it’s you. You’ll be a good therapist if that’s what you choose to do.”

“I don’t know... That might be partly true? Because then sometimes I just go with my guts and not what a therapist would do. Carrying you against your will, for example, that’s totally out of the question.”

Junmyeon chuckled. “Yeah, I agree, but it was helpful.”

“You don’t know how much I hoped it had been… I feared you would have fired me.”

“Well, something changed my mind.”

Yixing smiled. “Whatever it was, I’m thankful.”

Junmyeon smiled back. He had a question in mind and hoped Yixing would say yes. “Yixing… Can I touch your face?”

That question reminded Yixing of that conversation he had had with drunken Junmyeon, and he beamed at that memory. He wondered if Junmyeon would say the same thing. “Why?”

“I have no idea what you look like. This is one of the frustrating parts of being blind, that you will never know what the people you meet for the first-time look like. It sounds as if I'm shallow, but I can’t help being curious. Hearing a voice is just not enough, and perhaps touching isn’t either, but it might help? However, if you feel uncomfortable then don’t be afraid to decline.”

“I would never think you’re shallow, Junmyeon. It’s okay to be curious, appearances are an important part of someone’s identity, I understand. You can go ahead and touch my face,” Yixing said and moved his head towards Junmyeon’s side, then he closed his eyes.

Junmyeon moved towards Yixing too. Carefully, he raised his hands and with the lightest touches his fingers patted Yixing’s forehead. “You have bangs…and soft hair,” he said and smiled.

Yixing mirrored Junmyeon’s smile, as his heart became the fluttering mess it was around Junmyeon’s closeness.

Junmyeon continued tracing Yixing’s facial features. He touched his eyebrows, his eyelids and long eyelashes, his nose, his cheeks... “Oh! you have dimples,” Junmyeon uttered as he poked one of the orifices. “How adorable.”

Yixing chuckled and blushed a tad. Even this Junmyeon thought his dimples were adorable.

Then Junmyeon’s fingers found Yixing’s lips. “What a plump lower lip…” he whispered and removed his hands. He replaced them with his thumb, while his other fingers rested against Yixing’s chin. Junmyeon closed his eyes and felt what he could only describe as arrhythmia in his chest.

Yixing felt tingles while Junmyeon caressed his lower lip back and forth. His heart rate increased even more. And he could feel him leaning closer and closer until Junmyeon’s warm breath hit his skin. Yixing should back away, but he didn’t. No, his reason was somewhere else now, and he stayed still, waiting for what was to come.

They tilted their heads. Junmyeon retrieved his hand and waited no more to close that miniature gap.

The water danced against their feet. The wind rustled their hair. The dark sky was clouded, and two people shared a kiss underneath it.

Junmyeon finally tasted those lips he had longed after. Maybe it was because they had eaten brownies before, but he thought they were the sweetest lips he had ever kissed. He raised his hand to stroke Yixing’s neck.

And as Yixing caressed back Junmyeon’s lips, he felt they were the smoothest and softest lips. He melted in that touch, that warm, damp touch.

They felt fluttering hearts in their chests, wild and loose butterflies in their stomachs, irregular panting breaths, lips against lips that slowly parted some more.

Junmyeon leaned closer. The tip of his tongue tentatively traced Yixing’s lower lip.

It was as if a spurt of ice-cold water splashed all over his body that awakened Yixing from the enchanting trance Junmyeon’s touch was. His eyes flew open. And he lightly pushed Junmyeon away. For as much as Yixing wished to continue, going further with this would be too problematic. A kiss was between lovers, partners, boyfriends, not two friends who liked each other but still didn’t know everything about their lives.

Startled, Junmyeon opened his eyes too and withdrew his hand. His face reflected nothing but confusion and concern. “Yixing, wha-what’s wrong?”

“Junmyeon, I can’t do this. We shouldn’t do this.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not-, I-, we can’t, you’ll-, I-, I’m...”

Junmyeon thought of what Yixing nervously tried to convey. He wished he wouldn’t be right when he asked the question. “Is it that… You don’t feel the same as me Yixing?”

“Junmyeon, I-I… There’s something...I, I’m,” Yixing stammered. ‘Yes, I do, I do, I do feel the same,’ he thought, but no words came out.

Hearing Yixing hesitating and having a hard time talking, Junmyeon assumed Yixing didn’t know how to kindly answer without hurting him. Yixing had just been kind this whole time because that was part of his true nature, and they were friends, never something else. Who would want to be with a blind man like him? Who would fall in love with someone like him? Yixing had probably kissed him out of pity. He had been wrong this whole time. All these thoughts invaded Junmyeon’s head. His eyes watered, and he didn’t want to be there in case he started shedding tears. He raised his feet from the water and stood up.

“It’s okay, Yixing. I get it, and I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I must have misunderstood everything,” Junmyeon said embarrassedly. He turned around and rapidly strode towards his room.

Yixing turned around and saw how Junmyeon walked away from him. “I’m sorry for being a coward,” he uttered to no one as a tear rolled down his cheek.


	12. Chapter 12

**Unseen scars**

Coward, Yixing knew he was being a coward. The clock told him it was one in the morning and a couple of hours had passed since his kiss with Junmyeon. After shedding some tears in solitude, he had returned to the house. Yixing didn’t go wish Junmyeon goodnight, not after how he had hurt him. Instead, he went to his own room and laid in bed. But no matter how much he tried to forget the kiss and the taste of Junmyeon’s lips, he couldn’t. Junmyeon reciprocated his feelings, and it brought him happiness. However, his fears had come in the way, and that was why he hadn’t said it back. Yixing had preferred to run away than to face a hypothetical confrontation. A part of him kept telling he was a coward.

What was Yixing afraid of? Well, he feared to tell Junmyeon everything about his past, because Junmyeon might not understand it. Then, Junmyeon would act harshly and toss him away like it occurred last time. Going through that once had been heartbreaking enough. Yixing also feared opening Pandora’s box and subject himself to the memories, only to be told that he was unlovable, damaged, and crazy. But these were mere catastrophic assumptions based on what had happened before. He couldn’t know for sure Junmyeon’s opinion and feelings.

He sighed. Yixing knew how dangerous the fear of rejection pattern could be. First, he would withdraw from people instead of reaching out, then he would hold back from expressing his real feelings, and he would abandon others before they even have a chance to reject him. This was precisely what he was doing to Junmyeon, and probably what he’ll do to everyone else who tried to love him in the future. But Yixing didn’t want anyone else in the future. He was falling in love with Junmyeon. He had fallen for Junmyeon’s broad smiles. For the way he erupted in laughter; for the sparkle, his eyes ignited although they were lost into oblivion; for his newfound old perseverance; for the way he would make him laugh; for his thoughtfulness; for his warm embrace; for his secure arms; for all that made Junmyeon who he was. No, Yixing didn’t want anyone else.

So, what should Yixing do? The answer to overcoming his fears was simply to expose himself to them. Yixing had to tell Junmyeon everything, despite the hurt it would awaken. He wasn’t a seer so he could never predict how the other party would react, even if most people chose to condemn him, there had been exceptions. Han, his parents, Tao, and Yifan were the prime examples. Every person was different. Perhaps Junmyeon would be one of the exceptions.

Yixing rolled to his side for the nth time that night. In some years, maybe he would be sitting in a chair telling his patients how to overcome their own fears. But how could he do that when he wasn’t taking his own piece of advice right now? If he continued lying in bed, in the future his mind might be stuck on what-ifs. What if he had been wrong and Junmyeon would have reacted the other way? What if Junmyeon could love him despite the deed he had committed? What if he had become devoid of happiness because of his cowardice?

One more heartbreak and disappointment, or one chance to be happy. The odds were fifty-fifty. Two scenarios, two outcomes. Yixing could never know what Junmyeon would choose unless he spoke.

Yixing got off the bed. He inhaled and exhaled deeply, trying to gather himself. This was it, he was going to risk it because living with unanswered questions wasn’t better than another heartbreak in his life. He was going to face his demons. Yixing would do it for Junmyeon because Junmyeon had been honest and it was time for him to be it too.

Yixing walked out of his room, made his way to the stairways and went down to the first floor. He strode past a sleeping Trost in the living room towards Junmyeon’s room. Considering it was late at night, it was impolite of him to wake up Junmyeon, but he had to say it now. However, as he stood in front of the door, he could hear typebars smashing against the paper. Junmyeon was awake, and he was using the typewriter, that made him smile. He raised his hand and knocked.

“Junmyeon.”

Junmyeon stopped short from typing.

“Can you hear me?” Yixing asked.

“Yeah.”

“There’s something I have to say… Or actually a lot.”

Junmyeon hesitated whether to hear Yixing out or not. Most likely Yixing wanted to talk about their earlier incident. He kind of suspected what Yixing would say and the restlessness in his heart returned. However, it was better to deal with it once and for all. This wouldn’t be his first heartbreak, and at least now Junmyeon wasn’t a sobbing mess.

“Wait for a second, I’m gonna unlock the door,” he answered. But first, he tried to put away what he had attempted to write. Although the typewriter worked, if the paper moved the words would cross each other, creating a mess for the Voice stick to read. Still, Junmyeon found it quite entertaining to do.

“No, it’s okay. I’m more comfortable speaking from here,” Yixing said from the door. “I can’t stand seeing another horrified face,” he whispered to himself.

Junmyeon stood up from his chair and walked over to the door. He sat down with his back leaning against it. “So, what is it?”

On the other side, Yixing turned around and also leaned against the door. Slowly, he slid down until he was seated and curled up. He took in a deep breath and began talking.

“You didn’t misunderstand anything. You weren’t wrong, Junmyeon, I like you. No, that’s not it, I have started to fall in love with you. Sorry for not saying it before.”

Those words blew away Junmyeon’s uneasiness, it left him with an open teeth smile and a jubilant feeling. He was about to stand up when Yixing spoke again.

“But the reason I couldn’t say it before, why I wavered so much, why we can’t start anything as it is now is… Is because you need to know everything about me, not just the good sides but also… All of my broken pieces,” Yixing said and sighed. “I’ll probably frighten you later, but you need to know.”

Junmyeon’s smile faltered. What in the world was Yixing talking about?

“Junmyeon, if you could see me, the whole bare me, then you’ll see that my body has many scars,” Yixing said.

Junmyeon’s brow furrowed.

The first time he had told this story was amid tears, anxiety, pain, and guilt. It had taken him countless talks with a counselor, and years had passed before the memories lost the emotional and physical pain they inflicted. Right now, he no longer fell into that obscure pit of dread his childhood self used to do. However, this didn’t mean thinking back on those days came back empty-handed.

“My biological parents died, and I don’t know how or why I ended up living with her… My aunt. Looking back now, I think she was mentally unstable, but to me, she’s still basically a monster.”

Junmyeon’s eyes widened.

“So, I grew up with her. We didn’t keep in touch with my other relatives. During those years… I-I can’t think of a day she didn’t… Hurt me.”

And dots started to connect in Junmyeon’s mind as he gasped.

“To most people, she seemed friendly, warmhearted, hardworking. The last part I admit she was, she worked a lot and provided us with stuff. As for the rest, well, she never once laid a finger on me in public. But at our house, that was when hell unleashed. It started off with screams. Cursing at me. Yelling. Until the punches came, and the whiplashes, pulling my hair, kicks, and smacks, throwing objects. When she was really angry I remember she liked to hold me underwater, especially if I wetted my bed, telling me that I-I was disgusting. Everything, she did it to me.”

Yixing had almost entirely recovered from his trauma by now, thirteen years later, and the memories didn’t interfere with his daily life anymore. What happened had been over a long time ago, and he was secure, safe and loved. But whenever he deliberately let the flashbacks storm inside his mind again, his heart still raced. Yet he kept telling himself that he was safe now, that it was over, that he had a loving family and friends, everything was fine.

After the momentary pause Yixing had taken to gather himself together, he spoke again, “But some days she just… Remember how I told you I used to be afraid of the dark? Well, whenever my body was too sore to take any more hits, she would lock me in the basement because I cried too much. It was dark, cold, and dirty. I kept crying more and begged her to please take me out. But I was kept in there for hours. That fear accompanied me until I was sixteen.”

The hall outside Junmyeon’s room was dark. Yixing hadn’t turned on the lights. And now as he sat there in the darkness, remembering his childhood trauma, he could cope with it, no longer feeling the panic attacks.

“I was so terrified of her. She really liked hurting me, take out all of her frustrations on me…and I-I had no way out because I had nowhere to go. She would never hit my face but I remember one time she had smashed my head against the table when I spilled my water. The next day some guests came over. I was probably around six, I’m not sure but when they asked me what had happened, I told them what she had done. They didn’t believe me. They thought I was joking and laughed it off. She said I had fallen off the stairs…‘Your aunt is taking so good care of you, why are you lying?’ they accused me… And when they left, I-I got one of the worst beatings of my life. The remainder is still carved on my back.”

Junmyeon was trembling, his fisted hands were shaking.

“I never tried telling somebody afterward. I was too scared of what she’ll do to me. Nobody saw the marks underneath my clothes. I didn’t even dare to say something at school, thinking that all adults would agree with her and that I needed the punishment, you know, for discipline. was stuck with her.”

Yixing curled up tighter and closed his eyes.

“I always obeyed her, did every house chore she asked me to, never defied her twisted and violent behavior… So, I kept wondering why, why did I still get beat up? And as I continued growing up with her I started thinking tha-that I deserved it. That it was my fault because she had to take care of me despite not being my mother… I was her burden an-and it was my fault. I was worthless, and I deserved it for living at her expense. So, every time she beat me I would apologize for it.”

Junmyeon's eyes started to glisten.

Yixing paused again. He had only told Junmyeon bits and pieces of the atrocities he had faced as a child. There was still much more underneath the surface. However, he didn’t want to fill Junmyeon’s mind with more horrendous imagines. But there was one left he had to say.

“During all those years of abuse, I used to have no one. Nobody in my class had ever bothered to talk to me before, I was all alone, an outcast. I felt so worthless that when I met Han… I kept wondering why did he want to be friends with me? He was the first person who ever smiled at me. And I let him get acquainted with me. But deep down I told myself I didn’t deserve his kindness, his friendship, I didn’t deserve anything but the beatings.”

It was time to say the part Yixing feared the most.

“I never told Han what happened to me. I dreaded he would leave if he knew, or worse get hurt if he tried to help me, but Han got hurt anyways. It was the day he accompanied me home for the first time. He asked if he could use the restroom. I thought… I thought it would be okay because she was at work. I guided Han to the bathroom and went to grab a glass of water. She was waiting for me in the kitchen, holding the bamboo stick. That usually meant it had been a terrible day at work. So, I just looked down and prepared myself for what was to come, praying for Han to get out safely.”

Yixing opened his eyes and continued being curled up against the door.

“I tried to hold in my screams, I tried not to cry to avoid Han heard anything, but it just fueled her wrath. She hit me harder and harder, and I felt how my skin stung and blood oozing out my skin. Then she stopped, and I looked up. Han was standing there, horrified.”

The haunting expression in Han’s face was the last thing Yixing had seen before the blackouts. He could never recall clearly what happened later that day, only traces of it.

“I can’t remember what happened next, only things like Han’s screams and the stick colliding with skin, me a blood-stained frying pan, and she laying on the floor.”

Yixing breathed in and out. He felt a lump in his throat.

“Han never told me what he saw. I asked him what happened later, what he told the authorities because… She died. This might sound awful, and it is, but when they first told me she died, I felt so relieved. I was crying tears of happiness because I knew she wasn’t going to hurt me anymore but I felt so guilty because I knew it was my fault. I knew I had hit her to death with the frying pan, even if Han had never said it to me. I knew I killed her.”

And like that Yixing had said it, his shameful secret, the haunting deed. His heart was beating rapidly out of fear.

“A trial and an investigation happened. Eventually, I wasn’t condemned to anything. The marks on my body, the truth I finally spit out now that she was gone, and everything Han had seen… Were enough proof to let me go.”

Trost had woken up and surprised Yixing by nosing his feet. Yixing sat up straight, he extended his legs and let Trost laid on his lap. He caressed the dog’s ears.

“Not everyone was pleased with that, though, some people blamed me for everything. It was, it still is, a moral dilemma. Years of abuse, basically borderline torture... Against a horrific murder. Who’s more to blame? Well, it’s not weird that some people choose to doom the murderer and pity the… abuser. Because, it’s still murder, you’re taking someone’s life. ‘She was just a hard-working woman, taking care of a child who wasn’t her own. She was just disciplining him. The beatings were for his own good. He was a problematic kid and him smashing her head to death proved how crazy he is. Unstable, dangerous… What if he kills again?’”

The echoes of those voices resonated clearly in Yixing’s head. It was one of the most wicked sounds he remembered.

“And at that time, I thought I was it. I blamed myself for everything, for the abuse, for not standing up earlier, for never talking, for being a coward, for pretending to be the victim when I was the murderer.”

Junmyeon felt his fists getting damp. He didn’t know when he had started crying.

“I didn’t deserve to be placed in the orphanage, my place was in prison. I deserved the displeased looks they gave me, the fear in their eyes. I deserved the blame. I deserved the insults and murmurs from the other kids and adults. And I deserved to be alone for the rest of my life.”

Yixing’s eyes were the one glistening now. Trost licked his hand as if trying to console him, making Yixing half-smiled.

“But life is so unexpected. Some months after being in the institution, they came for me. I don’t know why, maybe they did it because of Han or out of pity, but Han and his family, they stood in front of me with a welcoming smile. Han said to me: ‘Yixing, let’s go home.’ I assumed it was a joke, that they were tricking me… ‘Why would you want a murderer in your house?’ I asked them. And Han, he, he just hugged me. I thought he was afraid of me because of what he had seen and he had needed therapy, but he hugged me.”

Tears rolled down Yixing’s face once again that night.

“They showed me love and affection from the minute I left with them. They had even moved to a new neighborhood so I could start anew. And everything was new, the warmness of a mother’s embrace, the protection of a father, the playfulness of a brother. But as always, I kept wondering why did I deserve this? Why me? I wasn’t… I was bad, I was damaged and I didn’t deserve them. But they still helped me to get better. They supported me through all those years of recovery and therapy. They came to love me as one of their own, as their son and brother. It wasn’t until a long time passed, when the emotional wounds began healing, that I accepted it. That I reciprocated their feelings and it was mainly thanks to them, I became who I am now. They gave me hope, love, and a life… Even if I had nothing for them.”

Yixing inhaled and exhaled, brushing away his tears.

“And I-I have realized that I didn’t deserve anything of what happened. I didn’t deserve it, and… It wasn’t my fault… Nothing was.”

Two years ago, Yixing had narrated the same story. But instead of a sympathetic look, the man he was in love with had given him an outraged one. He became terrified of Yixing, it didn’t matter if he had seen the scars. And he said Yixing was a liar, a psychopath himself, a fraud, a threat, a ticking bomb ready to explode one day because according to him, going through that shitty life was supposed to make Yixing miserable and problematic. He was bound to become an abuser himself, and he would probably end up hurting others again. The happy and optimistic image he displayed now was just a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He couldn’t have a normal life because he was damaged. Yixing was a murderer who belonged in prison. He was unlovable. The person Yixing had fallen in love with, told him all those horrible things. That guy had turned out to be just like everyone else who had judged him.

As Yixing stopped crying, pushing away those thoughts, Trost got up from Yixing’s lap and walked away.

“Junmyeon, I’ve told you everything about me. The broken pieces you should know about. The last person I told this was someone I held dear, but he was horrified and told me I should go to hell for being a… An impostor. If you, if you feel the same way, I’ll understand. I’ll call for someone to replace me immediately tomorrow. And I’ll leave right away.”

When Yixing stopped talking it was dead silent for a long time. He didn’t know what Junmyeon would say, and apprehension was eating him alive. It had become so unbearable that Yixing thought of just standing up and leaving, maybe Junmyeon was too scared to even utter rejecting words.

The quietness broke when the door unlocked. Rapidly Yixing crawled away and sat in the hall facing towards the bedroom. Junmyeon opened the door, and Yixing recognized his standing figure. But Yixing couldn’t see what expression Junmyeon had.

“Where are you?” Junmyeon asked.

“I’m sitting a couple of steps in front of you.”

Junmyeon positioned himself on all fours. He crawled forward and sat on Yixing’s lap. His arms enveloped Yixing in a hug.

Yixing could feel Junmyeon’s wet cheek colliding with his own.

“You, Yixing, are the strongest person I have ever met. I-I’m so, so furious because I can’t, I can’t believe why you had to go through all that hell, why life was so cruel to you… And I’m sorry if this sounds silly, nothing I say can change much now, but I-I really, really wish I could have protected you. I wish I could erase all those scars you bear because you didn’t deserve any single one of them. It wasn’t your fault.”

Yixing started crying again. He held Junmyeon close to him.

“I didn’t even say this earlier, and I should have, but I'm saying it now, I’m also falling in love with you Yixing. What happened in the past won’t change who you are to me now. I’m in love with you, and that will never change. I’ll always stay by your side.”

It was dark. Neither of them could see anything. They couldn’t see their wet-stained faces.

Yixing couldn’t see Junmyeon’s determined face, he couldn’t see Junmyeon’s expression reflecting that he would never leave him, he would never let him be in pain again, and he would always make sure to love him and give him more of the love he deserved.

And Junmyeon would never see Yixing’s crying and relieved expression, he could never see Yixing smiling amid tears because they were going to stay together, he could never see Yixing’s lips uttering ‘thank you’ and ‘I’ll always be by your side too.’

It was dark, but somehow there was a light for both of them.


	13. Chapter 13

**The end of summer**

The night after the revelations of Yixing’s past and their mutual feelings, Yixing and Junmyeon had decided to be in a relationship. Even if it might seem too soon for many, they had spent so much time together, they had come to know each other well, there were no secrets between them now, and they were sure of their feelings for one another, that it didn’t feel rushed or doubtful for them. However, to their dismay, today was Friday. It was the day before Yixing’s departure. His university would start again the upcoming Monday.

Most of the morning Yixing had thoroughly cleaned the house and packed most of his belongings. Junmyeon had helped him with whatever he could, like folding clothes. Once everything was done and settled, Yixing prepared lunch for the two. But Junmyeon suggested that they stored the food in containers and that they walked to the wood anemone field, like they did all those weeks ago, so they could have a picnic. Of course, Yixing smiled while agreeing with him.

Yixing placed everything they needed on a backpack and minutes later, the pair and Trost, made their way into the woods. Junmyeon held Yixing’s arm, and as always, Yixing guided him and explained the scenery. The sun shone brightly in the sky accompanied by some fleecy clouds, but the crispy and fresh wind hitting their skins signalized the end of the sweltering hot was nearing. They walked the same path as before and reached the water stream. They removed their shoes. Yixing first carried Trost while crossing over the creek so the dog wouldn’t get wet. Then, he helped Junmyeon walk over.

When they reach the field of wood anemones, it was bare and empty. The flowers had already withered. Junmyeon sighed and apologized for his dumbness. It was the beginning of August, of course, the wood anemones would have withered a long ago, he said. Yixing smiled tenderly at Junmyeon, and answered that it didn’t matter, it was still a beautiful place to eat at. Yixing took out the blanket and put it in the middle of the field. He unpacked their meals, and they began eating. Trost was also eating next to them.

They talked about what Yixing will do tomorrow. Junmyeon’s parents returned in the morning, and they would have to explain to them everything that had happened. Yixing also said he planned on staying until the late afternoon, but Junmyeon told him he should leave earlier instead, probably before noon. Even if Junmyeon wanted to spend more time with his boyfriend, he knew it wasn’t safe to drive for so long during the night.

Yixing put away everything when they finished their meals. But they didn’t leave right away. Junmyeon crawled around until he managed to back hug Yixing. He sat down again and wrapped his arms around Yixing’s waist, holding him securely to his body, and he rested his head against Yixing’s shoulder. Yixing placed his hands on top of Junmyeon’s hands, and he leaned closer to Junmyeon’s cozy chest.

These past days they had been talking about their future and which course their lives would take after this summer. Yixing had almost everything sorted out. After college, he would search for a job, and in case he didn’t manage to get one right away, he’ll continue working as a caregiver temporarily. Eventually, he would go for a Master’s degree. Junmyeon on the other hand still didn’t have any career prospects. First and foremost, he wanted to learn how to live as a blind person. Yixing had done his best to tell him how he could achieve that, which places that could help him, what he’ll do there, and so on. Yixing had also said he’ll support Junmyeon no matter what he chose to do if he needed more time.

“So, have you finally decided what’ll you do, Junmyeon?”

“After hearing everything you’ve told me, I think I’ll enroll in one of those training centers for the blind.”

Yixing smiled and said, “That’s great! It’s a big step forward.”

“Yeah, honestly I don’t want to depend on anyone anymore. Don’t take me wrong, it’s not that I dislike you taking care of me. I don’t mind you guiding me and stuff, but one day you’ll get tired of it. I wanna be useful too. I wanna walk on my own, so I can always hold your hand when we walk together. I wanna cook my own meals, buy my own groceries, wash my own laundry and stuff like that, like Jongdae… I wanna be somebody you can be proud of calling your boyfriend.”

Yixing turned his head sideways and pecked Junmyeon’s cheek, in reaction Junmyeon smiled. “You are already someone I am proud to call my boyfriend, Junmyeon. And you know I would never mind taking care of you, but I understand that you aspire to be independent again. The training centers will teach you that. I know you’ll be able to make it, and I’ll be supporting you with all of my heart.”

Again, Junmyeon smiled yet it faltered rapidly. “But it’ll take a long time for me to accomplish everything, right?”

“Yeah, the most comprehensive training programs could last up to a year.”

“And I’ll be living away in some apartment or residential area, wouldn’t I?”

“It depends on which place you chose to attend, but yeah.”

Junmyeon sighed. “I’m sorry you’ll have to wait so long for me to become normal, Yixing.”

“Hey! Don’t ever say that, neither do apologize for anything. Junmyeon, the important thing is that you adapt yourself to this new life in peace and quiet, no rush and pressure. I understand we won’t be seeing each other as much from now on, but time flies, doesn’t it?” Yixing said and squeezed Junmyeon’s hands. “Take all the time you need, Junmyeon, I will be waiting for you.”

This time Junmyeon turned around and tenderly planted kisses on Yixing’s cheek until Yixing turned around and Junmyeon found Yixing’s lips. Junmyeon would never get tired of the heady taste that was his boyfriend’s lips. They stopped kissing once the pain on their neck became too much. They faced straight ahead of them again.

“Besides, I’ll be busy with college, but I can visit you whenever I’m free,” Yixing said between breaths.

Junmyeon held his arms around Yixing a little bit tighter. “Thank you.”

“There’s really no need to thank me.”

“Then, you are the most wonderful person.”

“No, no, you are the most wonderful person Junmyeon,” Yixing protested.

“If I disagree, you’ll do the same, won’t you?”

“Yeah, you already know I’m just as tenacious as you are.”

“Okay, we’re both wonderful then.”

Yixing smiled, and Junmyeon mirrored his beam. They were quiet for a while. Yixing sat there, holding Junmyeon’s hands, watching the clouded sky above them. Junmyeon kept hugging Yixing closer to him, inhaling his boyfriend’s strawberry scented hair. Trost was lying next to them, napping.

“Hey, I’ve just realized I’ve spent the entire summer here, but I didn’t bathe in the lake once,” Yixing said out of nowhere.

“Well, there’s still time. Do you want to do it now?”

“Oh no, my bathing trunks are at the bottom of my suitcase. The water’s probably too cold right now.”

Junmyeon chuckled. “Maybe next year we can return to bathe together.”

“Yeah, that sounds good. It’s a promise then,” Yixing answered.

If they were saying things out of the blue, then Junmyeon would say his. “Yixing...”

“What?”

“Would you mind waiting a lot until our official first date?” Junmyeon asked nervously.

“No, of course not! I already said I’ll wait for you.”

“Yeah? It’s just that, once I’ve learned how to move and walk, I wanna be the one taking you out on a date. So far you’ve been the one taking us out, I know those weren’t dates but… I still wanna be the one that plans something for us next time.”

There was a broad smile on Yixing’s lips. “What do you have in mind?”

“Well, there's this restaurant I really like. They have the best black bean sauce noodles! And whenever I had a cheat day diet and some free time on my training days I would go eat there. But at that time, I usually ate with my friends or alone if we didn’t have the same schedule. I… I always wished one day I’d eat a meal there with someone I really liked. And well, I want to take you,” Junmyeon said. If Yixing turned sideways, he could have seen the blush that painted Junmyeon’s cheeks. “Or maybe not, it sounds stu-stupid,” he added quickly.

“No, it’s not! It sounds wonderful to me, Junmyeon. But honestly we can do anything you want, as long as I have you by my side, it is more than enough to bring me happiness.”

Yixing’s words were always recomforting to Junmyeon. He kissed his boyfriend’s cheek again.

“I feel the same, Yixing,” Junmyeon said.

“But I do wanna taste those black bean sauce noodles.”

“I’ll make sure you do.”

They sat in the field for a couple more minutes, just enjoying each other’s company. But once Trost had woken up from his slumber, they decided it was time to head back. Yixing stored the blanket back in the backpack. Then they strode together back to the house.

The rest of that Friday afternoon and later in the evening, Junmyeon and Yixing did what they usually had done before. They watched two of the movies they had bought, they listened to an audio book or to music together, Yixing prepared dinner for the two and Junmyeon helped him by washing the vegetables. However, the only thing that differed now was that sometimes their hands would be intertwined, their heads would be resting on one of their shoulders, or they’d share brief and long kisses. It was their last day alone together, and they wanted to shower each other with as much affection as they could.

Eventually, Friday had to come to an end. Around midnight, Junmyeon laid restlessly on his bed. Half an hour before, he had kissed Yixing goodnight, but he couldn’t sleep. His heart ached a little because he knew tomorrow was coming soon. Deep down he didn’t want Yixing to leave, but he was aware that they needed to move on with their own lives. Besides, as Yixing had said it, time flies rapidly. Still, he couldn’t take the emptiness his bed suffocated him with. So, he got up.

Junmyeon walked out of his room and strode to the stairway. He knew he couldn’t be able to go up the staircase like that, so he went down on all fours and carefully crawled his way up.

Meanwhile, Yixing was laying on his bed, trying to get some sleep when he heard noises from the hall and then footsteps near his room. He sat up and turned on the lamp on the nightstand. Junmyeon stood under the doorframe, looking a little troubled. “Junmyeon? Did something happen?” he asked worriedly.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t sleep alone…Is, is it alright if I sleep next to you tonight?”

Yixing smiled lovingly. “Of course, it is!” he said. “Just turn around a bit to your left and then walk straight forward.”

Junmyeon did as he was told. He strode carefully until Yixing said he was standing in front of the bed. Yixing turned off the lamp and moved away to give space to his boyfriend. Junmyeon got on the bed and under the duvet. He moved closer to Yixing and rested his head on top of Yixing’s chest, while his arm wrapped around Yixing’s waist. It wasn’t bare, and Junmyeon wanted to ask Yixing if he could remove his long sleeve t-shirt so he could feel his warmness, but decided to contain himself. Yixing began to tenderly caress Junmyeon’s chestnut hair.

“I’m gonna miss you, Yixing,” Junmyeon uttered sadly as he closed his eyes and snuggled closer to Yixing.

“I’m gonna miss you too, Junmyeon,” Yixing responded with equal sadness in his voice. Of course, Yixing felt dejected about leaving Junmyeon too. He knew it would pass some time until they could see each other regularly once again. He was going to be busy with college, and Junmyeon would be busy organizing everything to enroll and then attend the training center for the blind. But Yixing knew it was necessary for them to separate for some time. Junmyeon needed to find himself again, he needed to become the independent person he wanted to be. And no matter how long time it may take, Yixing wasn’t planning on leaving Junmyeon. No, he would wait for him, because even if Yixing had been in love before, he knew that Junmyeon was the only person he truly loved. He also knew Junmyeon was the only person who could truly love him too, the whole him. Junmyeon would be the first and the last person he would one day say ‘I love you’ to. Junmyeon would be the first and the last person he would give himself to. Junmyeon was the only person he saw growing old with. Surely, they would be away for some months, but it would be nothing compared to the years together they had ahead of them.

Breaking from his realm of thoughts, Yixing said, “But we’ll be alright, then we’ll have enough time to compensate for everything. Besides, I’m too in love with you to let you go now,” he said, trying to console his boyfriend.

Junmyeon smiled. “Me too, Yixing. There’s no way I’m letting you go.”

Slowly Yixing moved Junmyeon away from his chest. Then he got on his side, facing Junmyeon, who had also turned to lay on his side. Yixing held Junmyeon’s hands and leaned closer to caress Junmyeon’s lips with his.

When they parted for air, their foreheads rested against one another’s, their noses were touching, they were still holding hands.

“Goodnight, Yixing,” Junmyeon whispered. In Yixing’s company, he could finally sleep.

“Sleep well, Junmyeon,” Yixing muttered.

* * *

The following day, in the early Saturday morning, Yixing and Junmyeon were awakened by the doorbell. Rapidly, they got off the bed and walked out of Yixing’s room. To save more time, Yixing asked Junmyeon if he didn’t mind being carried down the stairs. Junmyeon flushed, but this time he held out his arms.

Trost stood in front of the door barking. Yixing squatted down to calm him down. Junmyeon opened the door, stepped forward and embraced both of his parents. The first thing he said was how glad he was that they had returned safely, how much he had missed and loved them. Yixing smiled behind Junmyeon, as he observed the two slight astonished faces in front of him. Still, the Kim pair beamed and hugged his son back, they could already sense how happier Junmyeon was now.

After the emotional family reunion, the elder pair walked inside the house. Mr. and Mrs. Kim greeted Yixing and thanked him. Yixing blushed and said they had nothing to thank him for, instead he apologized for bringing his dog without their consent. But Mr. Kim shook his head and assured there was no problem. Yixing nodded and smiled shyly. Afterward, Yixing walked back to his room and changed into his regular clothes, he also tidied the guest bedroom.

When Yixing returned, he saw the Kim family seated around the dinner table. The Kim couple was talking about their vacation, how it had been, what they had done, all the places they had visited. And as they talked Yixing decided to prepare breakfast for them. Mrs. Kim went over to help him, Yixing gladly accepted her help.

It was as they were eating breakfast that Junmyeon started telling his parents about what happened during the summer. Sometimes Yixing would fill in some details. Mr. and Mrs. Kim smiled and sometimes laughed along with Junmyeon’s recount of their summer. Mrs. Kim would occasionally stare lovingly at Yixing as if she was silently thanking him for everything.

When they had all finished eating, Junmyeon held Yixing’s hand. Yixing couldn’t help being nervous about how Junmyeon’s parents would react to someone like him being in a relationship with their son. Yixing had been hired to help and accompany Junmyeon, not to end up falling in love with him. Nonetheless, Junmyeon started telling his parents about how they felt for each other, what they were now, and what they planned to do.

But Junmyeon didn’t say anything about Yixing’s past. The day before Junmyeon had told Yixing he wasn’t going to say anything about his boyfriend’s past. That was something personal to Yixing, and it wasn’t his right to go around telling anyone, including his parents. Yixing feared to tell them, but if he didn’t say anything, he felt he was lying to them. However, to ease his boyfriend’s apprehension, Junmyeon said his parents were understanding persons, and the day Yixing decided to tell them about it, they were not going to doom and judge him like all those other people. Junmyeon told Yixing he should say it whenever he felt ready to, or not if he preferred it that way. Plus, Junmyeon didn’t want Yixing to revive the atrocious memories once again in the same week.

When Junmyeon stopped talking, Mrs. Kim started shedding some tears. She was thrilled to hear Junmyeon talking so eagerly about his future, saying how he wanted to adapt to his new life. She was also glad to know her son had found someone so wonderful and good-hearted like Yixing, who understood and appreciated Junmyeon dearly. Mrs. Kim was happy for them, and her husband agreed. They wished them well, and all the happiness in the world. Lastly, they told Junmyeon they would support and help him enroll the training center for the blind, they would do anything to help Junmyeon stand on his feet again.

Both Yixing and Junmyeon smiled, still holding hands.

As the morning passed they continued their conversation. Yixing talked about himself, his studies, his family, his work as a caregiver. And Junmyeon parents did the same, they talked about their lives, what they do, how they ended up living in the middle of the woods, when they met, and other things.

Hours passed quickly, and it was almost noon, the time for Yixing to go. He would have to grab lunch from the town. Yixing went back to the guest room to bring down his suitcase. As he stood by the entrance door, he said goodbye to Mr. and Mrs. Kim, earning himself a hug from both and well wishes on his final year. Yixing smiled, bowed, and thanked them. Then he, Junmyeon and Trost walked to the car.

Junmyeon squatted down and said his farewells to Trost while Yixing put in his suitcase in the trunk. Junmyeon petted and caressed the dog’s fur as he talked. Trost responded with whines and licks on his hand. When Junmyeon finished, Yixing called Trost to get inside the car. The dog barked one last time and jumped inside.

Yixing walked over to stand in front of Junmyeon. He held his boyfriend’s hands. “I guess this… This is it, for now of course! This is only momentary,”

“Yeah, it’s just for now,” Junmyeon answered and smiled.

Yixing let go of Junmyeon’s hands and took him into his arms. “I’m gonna miss you, I’m gonna miss you so much.”

“I’m gonna miss you a lot too,” Junmyeon replied as he hugged Yixing tightly.

“I’ll call you every day.”

“I know, once in the morning, once in the evening, right?”

“Yes!”

They hugged each other for a couple of minutes. Neither of them wanted to let go yet. But eventually they had to, time wouldn’t stop moving just for them. Reluctantly they both let go of one another.

Junmyeon raised his hands to cup Yixing’s cheek, and he planted a fervent kiss on Yixing’s lips. Yixing held Junmyeon’s waist and brought his boyfriend closer to him, so they could deepen their kiss. They tried to convey all their love, all their feelings, in that fleeting moment.

Then it was over. This time, it was Junmyeon who hugged Yixing.

“Bye Yixing. Thanks for everything. I’m gonna miss you, but we’ll see each other soon, right?” Junmyeon spoke.

Yixing closed his eyes and planted a kiss behind Junmyeon’s ear. “I’m gonna miss you too, Junmyeon. And of course, I’ll come see you as soon as I can,” he promised.

Junmyeon smiled, and then let go of Yixing. He stayed still.

Yixing walked away. He breathed in the fresh air for the last time. A crisp late summer breeze caressed his face. Yixing saw the glistening lake in the distance. He got in the car, fastened his seatbelt and looked in the rear-view mirror. Junmyeon was waving him goodbye, and smiling a bit sadly. Yixing half-smiled too. He started the car. Slowly he began driving away from the house. He observed the mirror until the car turned around, and he couldn’t see Junmyeon standing there anymore.

Summer was coming to an end, but the time they’ll be together was just beginning.


	14. Epilogue

**Bluebell**

Junmyeon stood in front of a jewelry store’s front desk, pensive, as his fingers tapped the glass surface. It had already passed an hour since he arrived at the store, and he still hadn’t found what he wanted. A ring? No, he wanted both to choose that. But neither a necklace, a bracelet, an earring, or a watch felt good enough. They didn’t convey the meaning he wanted them to have. So, Junmyeon stood there, thinking what else in that store he could choose.

“Sir, would you like to see our brooches collection?” the saleswoman asked.

Junmyeon raised an eyebrow. A brooch? Yixing did often wear pins on his work suits. Perhaps that was the answer. Junmyeon nodded.

One by one the woman handed him different types of brooches. As Junmyeon touched the various shapes, the stones they carried, he thought it felt the same as the others. That was until he felt the one. The one with the strokes that went up and bent downwards, ending in bell-like forms.

“Miss is this a bluebell brooch?” he asked.

“Yes, it has three bluebells. It’s made of white gold with tanzanite stones,” the saleswoman answered.

Junmyeon smiled. He remembered Yixing’s voice telling him, all those years ago, that bluebells could signify everlasting love, he remembered how Yixing carefully took care of his bluebells in the terracotta pots, and then he knew. Junmyeon knew that he wanted to propose to Yixing with this brooch. He knew which words he wanted to engrave on its delicate strokes. And Junmyeon knew that every time Yixing would wear the brooch, he would make sure to carefully pin it on the left side of his chest so Yixing could carry Junmyeon’s promise near his heart.

“Is it possible to engrave some words on it?” he asked.

“Of course, sir. What would you like to write?”

“I love you forever.”

The woman on the counter smiled, then she helped Junmyeon with his purchase and told him it’ll be ready in two to three weeks. Junmyeon nodded and thanked her for the help.

As he walked back home through the daunting city streets, holding the white cane, his heart raced more at the fact he would ask Yixing to marry him, rather than walking on his own. It was funny, though, he knew his boyfriend would say yes. Ever since that day, when he and Yixing were cuddling on the sofa and Yixing whispered the words ‘I love you, Junmyeon’ for the first time, he knew he wanted to be the one to ask Yixing the question. He felt butterflies and fast heartbeats at the expectation of Yixing saying the word ‘yes.’

Junmyeon stopped by the grocery store to buy some shiitake mushrooms and pork belly. He arrived at the apartment complex in the evening. When he opened the door he called after Yixing, but no one answered. Ah, right, he must still be visiting Han, Junmyeon thought. He removed his shoes and walked inside.

After putting the groceries on top of the counter, he got ready to cook dinner. It had been a while since he cooked his boyfriend’s favorite dish, braised pork rice. That had been the first dish he had ever cooked to someone when he came back from the training center for the blind. Yixing had complimented his cooking skills, thanked him many times, held his hands and pampered his cheeks with light kisses. He smiled at the memory, as he used the audio labeling device to find the other ingredients and spices he needed. It didn’t take him a long time to cook now. Junmyeon had mastered his adaptive cooking techniques, and now in less than an hour, the meat was simmering on the stove, and the rice cooker prepared the rice.

As he waited for the dishes to cook, Junmyeon began watering the plants. Yixing had gotten his interest in growing plants and flowers after returning from Junmyeon’s parent’s house. Yixing had enjoyed the contact with nature and wished to have a little bit of that in his own home. And when they were moving in together, he asked if Junmyeon wouldn’t mind. Junmyeon didn’t care of course. He didn’t mind their apartment had terrarium plants, cactuses, orchids, amaryllises, heartleaf philodendrons, and bluebells here and there. He liked it too, and he enjoyed the scents they emitted. Junmyeon hoped the day they moved to a bigger house, their garden would be vast enough for Yixing to grow as many plants as he wished.

The vibrant red amaryllis Junmyeon watered, that stood on the shelf in the living room, was next to a photo frame. Yixing had said the picture was of them and Trost. It was the last picture they took with their friend three years ago, Trost’s face was squeezed between Junmyeon and Yixing’s wide teeth smiles. The day Trost died was the second time Yixing cried in Junmyeon’s arms. Junmyeon couldn’t stand the pain of hearing Yixing sob, his heart broke with every tear Yixing shed and dampened his shoulder. It didn’t help he was crying too, after all, he had also been fond of Trost. But the only thing Junmyeon could do was to hold Yixing tightly in his embrace, and they cried together over the loss of their dear friend.

Junmyeon returned to the kitchen once he finished watering the plants. The rice cooker was done. He stirred the pot, it still needed more time to simmer. With time to spare, he walked to their shared study room and brought his laptop with the Braille terminal, placing it on their dining table as he waited for the food to cook. There were some emails from his clients, but he mostly focused on revising the financial statement due tomorrow. Even if at first, Junmyeon had chosen to continue with his accounting studies mostly for convenience’s sake, he had actually come to like his job. It was entertaining and he had some great coworkers.

His fingers touched the Braille terminal and typed as he made his final corrections on the document. Six years ago, when Junmyeon was first learning how to read Braille, he thought he would never get the hang of it. He complained and vented a lot whenever he spoke with Yixing on the phone. Sometimes Junmyeon would apologize for burdening his boyfriend with such problems. However, Yixing said he didn’t mind and listened to him ramble nonetheless. Yixing always told him to believe in himself. And just as with many things, Junmyeon had been wrong, because he did learn Braille, and by now his reading and writing speed was decent enough for work.

Junmyeon spent the next hour between typing on his computer and stirring the simmering pot until the clock rang and signaled the food was ready. He set up the table, and he didn’t have to wait long to eat dinner because ten minutes later Yixing arrived. Junmyeon stood up and walked to the hall.

“Yixing, welcome back,” Junmyeon greeted Yixing as he approached the door.

Yixing smiled brightly. He took off his shoes before running to hold him. “Hi, love.”

Junmyeon smiled back. Arms enclosed his waist, and sweet plump lips caressed his own lips. He raised his hands around Yixing’s neck, bringing him closer.

When the kiss ended, Yixing leaned his forehead against Junmyeon’s, their noses were touching. “I missed you.”

Junmyeon chuckled. “We’ve only been away for a couple of hours.”

“I know, but I still missed you.”

“Yeah, I missed you too,” Junmyeon said and let go of Yixing’s neck. He grabbed Yixing’s hand instead. “Come on, it’s time for dinner,” Junmyeon said and guided his boyfriend to the dining table.

“But I said I was going to cook tonight,” Yixing protested.

“You did, but I also figured you would be coming late and tired. Plus, I prepared something you’ll like.”

“I could smell it from the hall,” Yixing said as Junmyeon guided him to stand in front of his seat. Junmyeon pulled out his chair, and Yixing sat down. But before Junmyeon walked to his own seat, Yixing carefully grabbed his arm and brought him closer so he could kiss both his cheeks. “Thank you,” Yixing said. “I love you Junmyeon, I’ll always love you.”

Junmyeon smiled, that smile where his eyes turned into crescents, and his cheeks glowed, the smile Yixing loved to see every day. “And I’ll always love you too, Yixing.”

They sat down and began eating. As Junmyeon already suspected he’ll do, Yixing complimented his cooking skills right after the first bite. The couple conversed about their day. Due to professional secrecy with his patients, Yixing could never tell Junmyeon what he did at work (not that Junmyeon wanted to know). But he did say things like if he managed to help someone, if he got a new patient or if his assistant came late again. While Junmyeon told Yixing how his day had been too, but of course, he omitted the visit at the jewelry store.

“How was Han?” Junmyeon asked.

“Oh, he’s doing fine! It was just a cold, but he’s staying at our parent’s house for now. You know, because of the baby. But he’ll be fine.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“By the way, he asked if we could babysit her this weekend. Is that okay?” Yixing wondered.

“Of course,” Junmyeon said and smiled.

“Okay, I’ll tell him yes then. And I think in the future Meifeng and Han will help us take care of our kids when we need it as well,” Yixing said without thinking. They hadn’t really talked about children yet. He looked carefully at Junmyeon and anxiously waited for his reaction.

Junmyeon was stoic for a short moment, but later he beamed again. “Then our kids will be in safe hands.”

Yixing exhaled and a broad smile formed on his lips. “Indeed,” he agreed.

After they had finished eating, Yixing offered to wash the dishes. Junmyeon accompanied him until he was done. Later Junmyeon was going to shower alone, but Yixing said they should shower together ‘to save time and water.’ Junmyeon chuckled but accepted it nonetheless. And then they laid in bed together. Yixing’s head rested on Junmyeon’s shoulder, and Junmyeon held him by his upper back.

“Goodnight, Yixing.”

“Sleep well, Junmyeon.”

* * *

Two weeks later, the jewelry store gave Junmyeon the bluebell brooch. His fingers couldn’t sense clearly the engraved words, they were too small, but he trusted they had done a good job. For another couple of days, Junmyeon kept the box hidden in his sock drawer.

On an early Saturday morning, at the beginning of May, Junmyeon and Yixing visited Junmyeon’s parent's house. The old couple had invited them to celebrate Mr. Kim’s retirement. They arrived just at noon. It was a balmy spring day, summer was approaching. Trees and flowers had blossomed. Animals and insects had returned from their hibernation. Nature was awakening again.

The celebration with Junmyeon’s parents was an outdoors lunch with family and friends from the town. Tables and chairs had been placed in front of the house. There was a variety of food and beverages. Junmyeon and Yixing went around greeting everyone after they had talked with Mrs. and Mr. Kim. When all the guests had arrived, everyone shared a nice meal and conversations. The gathering lasted until the evening. And since Junmyeon’s mother had insisted the young couple to stay over, Yixing and Junmyeon had brought sleepwear and extra sets of clothes for tomorrow. They were going to stay in Junmyeon’s old room, which was now turned into another guest room.

When Junmyeon’s parents went to sleep, Yixing and Junmyeon didn’t. Instead, Junmyeon suggested for them to sit on the dock and get some air. Yixing went outside first while Junmyeon went to grab something from his duffle bag. He picked up the little box.

Junmyeon knew others might think this wasn’t a special proposal, it wasn’t anything fancy or thoroughly planned. But to him, it held a special meaning. This was the place he had met Yixing, the love of his life. This was the place they had fallen in love with each other. This was the place they had shared their first kiss. And this was the place he wanted to ask Yixing to marry him.

Junmyeon followed the stone tile path that led him to the dock. He held the box behind his back. When he reached the end of the dock, his free hand roamed until he felt Yixing’s head. Junmyeon sat down next to Yixing, holding the box on the other side, and dipped his feet from the dock. The water felt mild against his feet. Yixing leaned his head on Junmyeon’s shoulder.

“It was a nice day,” Yixing said.

“Yeah, it was.”

“You know, a full moon is shining brightly in the dark sky. And many bright stars are accompanying her.”

“That sounds beauti-tiful,” Junmyeon answered with a shaky voice. His heart raced. He didn’t have a speech prepared either. Junmyeon was just going to say what was in his heart. But he believed Yixing would appreciate the gesture and the words he said, he wouldn’t be disappointed. Slowly, Junmyeon’s doubts subsided, and he decided to say it now. Carefully he brought forward the box in front of them. Yixing’s gaze moved from the moon, to observe the box. Junmyeon raised his other hand and opened it. And thanks to the moonlight, Yixing could distinguish the glistening bluebell brooch and the words ‘I love you forever’ on it.

“Yixing, my love, our love is everlasting. There can’t be enough words to describe how you make me feel, but here’s an attempt: With you, I have found what true love is, what true happiness is, with you I am the luckiest one. It has been six years since we met, and I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with you. I love you, Yixing. And this might not be a ring, but it still holds a promise of forever… Yixing, will you marry me?”

Yixing eyes glistened, but without hesitation, he said the words Junmyeon waited for.

“Yes, of course, yes, Junmyeon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this epilogue was actually a last-minute addition. During the original writing period (I post my chapters as I write the story), my outline finished on the previous chapter, ending the story with them saying goodbye for now (because I just had a thing for ambiguous endings haha).
> 
> However, surprisingly I got some readers that liked this story. So I felt it might have been a bit meh for them if I just delivered that ending. Instead, I thought of giving them a peek of what their life would have turned out, an epilogue. But that last-minute thought made the epilogue feel a bit off from the original timeline, or that's what I still feel whenever I re-read this. 
> 
> Anyways, thanks for checking this story out if you read this!


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